Tag: suicide

Am I being punished for having Depression?

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Rummaging through my unorganized closet, I came across an article I wrote during my years in the hospital fighting depression. A roommate during my stay, whom I became close friends with, recalled her descent into hellish depression, as well as her suicide attempt. She gave me permission to write this article (excluding her name).

Dreaming. In tranquil waters. I’m sitting in my dinghy cross-legged, floating. The sea and sky are black.

I awaken. Black. Black is black. The room is black, but it must be morning. I’m all mixed up. I thought I heard the food trays arrive. I sneak a quick look out my room, and yes it is morning, but the halls also look black. All I sense is dread. Am I in a dream world? I shuffle back to bed.

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PTSD: Just can’t shake that Worthlessness feeling

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PTSD is to blame for my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness habitually during my life.  Sexual abuse by a neighbor when I was six years old, coupled with the impact of living as a daughter of a narcissistic mother was the catalyst.  With trauma, both sexual and emotional, I experienced negativity leading to depression.  Seeking out therapy has improved the healing process.

On goodtherapy.org they explain Worthlessness

Worthlessness can be described as a feeling of desperation and hopelessness. Individuals who feel worthless may feel insignificant, useless, or believe they have nothing valuable to offer the world. People diagnosed with depression often report these feelings, and children who were neglected or abused may carry a sense of worthlessness into adulthood.

When worthlessness leads one to experience thoughts of suicide or causes other immediate crisis, it may be best to contact a crisis hotline or seek other help right away.

Understanding Worthlessness

Worthlessness, a feeling that may cause an individual to feel as if they have no significance or purpose, can have a significant negative effect on emotional health. A recent study conducted by researchers at Seoul National University found that feelings of worthlessness were significantly associated with lifetime suicide attempt in adults who reported major depression and had also experienced trauma. The study concluded that, among symptoms of depression, worthlessness had the strongest association with lifetime suicide attempt.

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The Lady Found in the Snow

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She was in her fifties and reported missing four or five days ago, a picture of a woman looking cheerful, with striking blue eyes, shoulder length light brown hair wearing a black and green mid-length parka. It was on the news and in the newspapers repeatedly, her picture of a woman with a warm smile.

To me it sounded peculiar, as if intentional or planned; waking in the morning, followed by calling in sick to work then vanishing. When reported missing, the police were summoned, then several friends and relatives began searching also. The investigation dragged on with no success, and it’s as if she went ‘poof’ into thin air, no trace, no use of credit cards.

Days passed, when someone identified her van at a cemetery, and not too distant from the van they discovered her body dead in the snow. The police didn’t reveal information as to the cause of death.

The newspapers stated that she was a registered nurse, worked for twenty-two years at the same hospital, extremely well liked and exceptional at her job. Her spouse was a clergy at the only church in the town where the family lived, and she leaves behind two children.

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Are you faking PTSD for attention? Is this just a scam?

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I have PTSD, and just hearing the word “fake & “scam” was an actual trigger to my past.

Yesterday, while sitting in a coffee shop sipping tea and reading a book, two women around 30 – 40 years of age sitting behind me, actually had this conversation. True story. I’ll call them A & B.

A –Do you believe in all of this PTSD shit?

B –I don’t know what to think sometimes.  I do know a co-worker who’s sister is going to therapy for it, I don’t know what exactly for, but she just said something that happened to her when she was young and has PTSD now.

A –Do you think it’s for real, or she looking for attention?  How old is her sister?

B –I think she’s in her 30’s, not sure. It’s something about molestation or something, I didn’t want to ask and be nosey.

A –Yeah right, like she can remember things that happened when she was a kid!

B –Well it’s her business

A –I’m just asking because I saw a show last night showing how some men in the military and some police are actually faking having this PTSD, just to collect disability.  Some of them have collected $100,000.00, what a shame when people that have an actual disability need it.

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PTSD: Just can’t shake that Worthlessness feeling

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PTSD is to blame with my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness habitually during my life.  Sexual abuse by a neighbor when I was six years old, coupled by the impact of living as a daughter of a narcissistic mother was the catalyst.  With trauma, both sexual and emotional, I experienced negativity leading to depression.  Seeking out therapy has improved the healing process.

On goodtherapy.org they explain Worthlessness

Worthlessness can be described as a feeling of desperation and hopelessness. Individuals who feel worthless may feel insignificant, useless, or believe they have nothing valuable to offer the world. People diagnosed with depression often report these feelings, and children who were neglected or abused may carry a sense of worthlessness into adulthood. When worthlessness leads one to experience thoughts of suicide or causes other immediate crisis, it may be best to contact a crisis hotline or seek other help right away.

Understanding Worthlessness

Worthlessness, a feeling that may cause an individual to feel as if they have no significance or purpose, can have a significant negative effect on emotional health. A recent study conducted by researchers at Seoul National University found that feelings of worthlessness were significantly associated with lifetime suicide attempt in adults who reported major depression and had also experienced trauma. The study concluded that, among symptoms of depression, worthlessness had the strongest association with lifetime suicide attempt.

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Suicidal feelings ~ mesmerizing

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“The mesmerizing feelings attached to suicidal thinking, at least for me, are the ones who got me into trouble. Life became so miserable and “suicide” was in my back pocket ready at any moment just in case. It really became a habit of such and I had to break that habit. This is not to say that I don’t think of ‘ending it’; sometimes letting my mind wander into white, fluffy clouds – no pressure of life anymore – but I can’t let “S” win”.  by Deb ~ “Living in Stigma”

Great, now the Police are at my door!

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Dialing the Distress Center, speaking what seemed like forever with a counselor about my obsessive suicidal feelings and depression, then abruptly hanging up was a terrible idea.  Thoughts danced in my head for days, dreaming and planning of ways to kill myself, yet I still reached out for help.  The counselor’s voice was grating on my nerves, we weren’t making progress, so didn’t want to talk to this chick anymore.

Then a loud rap at my door, “Police”.  A male and female officer are standing on my front veranda, asking if I’m ok and can they talk to me.  Me?  Why me?  Why the police?

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ER Screening for Suicide Risk ~ not so good

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TORONTO – May 20/15 –  Physicians, including psychiatrists, often fail to screen for known suicide risk factors in the emergency department (ED) setting, new research shows.

Investigators at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada, found established suicide predictors including bullying, childhood trauma and suicidal plan and intent were not commonly assessed. Even though many of these predictors were deemed important by physicians they were missed in ED assessments.

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Ten Positive Thoughts About What You’re Feeling [List]

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surviving the specter

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  1. You are a normal human who experiences emotions like others. They may be a little bit more extreme. So what.
  2. Don’t let someone downplay what you are feeling. Ever.
  3. What you are going through is VERY, VERY real. You must tend to it and monitor it.
  4. You can break the chain…of depression. Of suicide. Of cutting. Of drinking. It may be a very real fight. I know my friend, I live with it every day. But you are capable of ending it in your generation.
  5. You can feel better with counseling and medicine.
  6. And exercise.
  7. And the Lord.
  8. Journaling or blogging will also help you in your coping and recovery.
  9. You are a brave and courageous person for living through your Specter. How many people begin and continue their day when they find it as hard as you do? You’re a survivor. Yes, indeed, a hero you beautiful soul.
  10. Surround…

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Once a Victim ~ Now a Survivor Award

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We all kept “The Secret”, promised not to tell, or did tell and no one believed us, but we still held that secret inside of us for years, then it activated and we started to ‘peel back the onion’.

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Workplace Suicide

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People with protective services job, like police and firemen, are at more than three times great a risk of workplace suicide than people in the general population, according to a new study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.  Workplace suicide represents a small fraction of the total number of U.S. suicide deaths—more than 40,000 Americans died of suicide in the U.S. in 2013, on par with traffic accidents deaths.  Still, the rate of work place suicide is rising across the board, the study found.

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Just hearing those words “You’re Fired”

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When you first hear those two words, you automatically think of losing your job.  I thought I would take it one step further and reflect on some of the times I’ve actually been ‘fired’ in other situations.

I will begin with my career position.  The ‘firing’ took place in 1994 during my first year in what would be a slippery slide into the world of deep major depression.  I was employed with this company for five years as an accounting supervisor, however, frequent hospitalizations, months off at home recuperating and the return to work following, just did not pan out.  In the end, I was essentially ‘fired’.

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SUICIDE: THE TABOO WORD

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Suicide: definition…is an act of willfully ending one’s life.

Males die much more often than females by suicide, while females attempt suicide more often. U.S. Caucasians commit suicide more often than African Americans do.
People commit suicide more often during spring and summer.

Suicidal ideation produces the perilous side of mental illness, acting as both a friend and seducer. Even though thoughts of dying encapsulate our mind on one hand, we yearn to remain living on the other. We desire just to feel better.

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Poetry: Just Cutting

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Just a scratch

What’s that mark?”

“It was just the cat”

~~~

Just an excuse

Just another lie

“What’s with the bracelets?”

“Just fashion, why?”

~~~

Just a tear

Just a scream

“Why are you crying?”

“Just a bad dream”

~~~

But it’s not

 just a cut, or a tear or a lie

It’s always

 ‘Just one more’

Until you die

— Anonymous

Depression: Hopelessness, Helplessness

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I wrote and produced this video in 2009 for part of my psychiatrist’s presentation to students and colleagues.  Today, I actually sat down and figured out how to upload (light bulb went on) this video onto YouTube!

The title “Depression:  Hopelessness and helplessness” describes depression.

Veterans & Suicide: This Bill Could Help

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The legacy of Clay Hunt: Marine recalled in new suicide legislation           Image: Pinterest.com via Washington Post

22 veterans commit suicide each day  

I found this article on (Time.com/Mental Health & Psychology) dated Feb 6/2015 ~ announcing that earlier this month, four years after Clay Hunt’s suicide, the United States Senate unanimously passed the Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act.

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Men and Women Experience Depression Differently, How?

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This article appeared on (Fox News.com) ~ It discusses forms of depression, and how men and women experience depression differently, and also includes other links.

Depressive disorders are a complex and often confusing family of conditions. Sometimes lumped under the general term “depression,” these disorders can cause any combination of several symptoms. Because of this, depressive disorders manifest in a variety of ways, making them sometimes difficult to diagnose.

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Indoor Tanning: WARNING> That tan could be hazardous

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Indoor tanning poses cancer risks ~ teenagers beware.  In an article posted in (New York Times.com) today, they wrote about indoor tanning and cancer risks.

TEQUESTA, Fla. — On their way home from an SAT tutoring session, the Van Dresser twins, Alexandra and Samantha, 17, popped into Tan Fever & Spa, a small family-owned salon tucked into a strip mall between a bar and a supermarket.  They wanted to get tan before the prom, and the salon was the perfect combination of fast and cheap: Twenty minutes in a tanning bed cost just $7.

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TELL

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Can I tell? Will I tell? Should I tell?
Will they believe, will they laugh, will they comfort?
Will they act, will they turn me away, will I cry?
Will I be damaged goods, will I be whole again, will I ever be me?
Did I make this up, did this really happen, am I sure?
Was it dark, was it morning, afternoon?

My mind is cloudy, no it’s not, it’s clear
It happened

Did it smell, yes it did, he did
Why didn’t I fight, why was I weak, why was I stupid?
Sure I knew better, no I didn’t, they said I should have
It’s confusing, I’m confused, why are you confused?
You think I’m lying, I know you do, why?

Is there light ahead, will I live, am I strong?
Do I want to die, yes I do, yet I don’t
Please save me, no don’t, I want to die
I’m in tears right now, look what you’ve done, leave me alone

The pain, it’s too much
It’s your fault, not mine
I’m cold, you think these thin blankets are comfort?
I shouldn’t have told

~~Deb

(reposted from Jan 27/14, I find myself struggling with PTSD as I was last year)

This “Everything Happens for a Reason” crap

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I think about this statement often and it pisses me to no end.  What precisely does it mean, and why do people say it?  Does it mean when there is a world disaster, a school shooting, childhood sexual abuse, serial murderers and rapists, riots, war veterans killed or any other horrible occurrence, it happened for a reason?  Please explain.

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Robin Williams death: Are comedians more prone to depression?

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I’ve often asked myself that question, and with the death of other comedians who also struggled with depression, could this be true?  I found this article today on CBC.ca News (Health), addressing this mental health issue.

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3 WOMEN……And Mental Illness

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3-tall-women

I had conversations with these three courageous women, while an in-patient on the psychiatric floor of a medical hospital a couple of years ago.  Mentioning my blog and my articles, they agreed for an informal interview as long as I didn’t use their real names.  I was able to converse with each woman separately where they shared their stories.

Note:  I was discharged earlier than any of these women, however, I revisited three weeks later to chat. 

~~~

Clara – Age (46)

Clara’s eyes well up as she recounts her story of anguish and to her, humiliation.  Both wrists are bandaged from a botched suicide attempt, and she stares downward at the floor as she speaks to me.  She has been in the hospital for over three weeks.

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