PTSD ~ Marriage is Supposed to be for Love

My guest post today is from Mariah’s blog “Recluse“.

I remember the day I realized that I was in an abusive marriage. I called my mom, who lived 800 miles away blurting out my abuse and fear. I will also never forget how she responded. Mom expressed her opinions and words, and it was if blinders were removed from my eyes.

That was the day I recognized that my husband was violent and things weren’t about to change.

The Beginning

When I was in my first marriage, I was very young.  I was 20 when we were married, and I had been with him since I was 17.  Needless to say, I was hell-bent on making it work, because I was “an adult now” and that’s what “adults” did.  They kept their promises, paid their bills and took care of their responsibilities.  Except when they don’t things begin to change.

Soon after getting married, my ex-husband slowly started to show his true colors.  Long story short, he was emotionally and verbally abusive, manipulated our finances, was addicted to pornography and video games, had drinking problems, and he had an affair outside of our marriage.

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Are you bullied by your Children?

I found this article interesting, as my husband and I frequently comment on the way children behave while out in public places, and how different times are compared to how strict our parents were with us.  Last week, we seldom eat out and our dinner was spoiled at a restaurant (not fast food), where children from three different families were either screaming or running everywhere.  In my opinion, the kids aren’t at fault; it’s the parents.

Have you ever seen a child bully or boss around his parents? A child who talks down to them, disrespects or even mocks them? Embarrassing, isn’t it?

A generation or two ago, it would have been unthinkable for children to bully their parents. Today, nearly everyone knows a parent who is bullied by his or her child. Pay a visit to your local playground or stroll through a shopping mall. You’re bound to see the bullied parent dynamic in action.

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Maternal Narcissism ~ Mom, only wishing you could have said these words to me…

They burned the bridge, then ask why I don't visit. | unluckymonster made this with Spoken.ly:

Recalling my childhood, my mother seldom had any positive or encouraging words for me, mainly heartless or cruel remarks, only criticizing me for one thing or another spewed from her mouth. She was continually displeased, and only now recognizing that it would be impossible to accomplish ever pleasing this woman.

I was thinking the other day, what words would myself and perhaps others wish their narcissistic moms compassionately said to them.

Mom, if only you could have said:

~I know you don’t lie, of course, I believe you

~Always come to me when you’re upset or angry, I love you

~I’ll always believe in you, whatever your dreams are

~Let’s just have a girl’s day out once in a while, your choice, whatever you want

~You look so cute in those clothes

~Don’t focus on body image, it’s what’s inside

~You’re more important to me than anything

~I’m so damn proud of you.

~I love reading your stories/artwork/playing games

~You smell so nice and clean

~Don’t always spend time in your bedroom, we should spend more time together

~Your feelings matter you have a right to your opinion, I’m not always right and remember, we all make mistakes

~You look like something is bothering you, want to talk about it?

~Let me take care of you when you’re so sick, how about hot tea? Or I’ll sit beside you or we’ll lay in bed together

~Sure, have your friends over anytime, they are always welcome

~You’re so precious to me, having a daughter is a blessing

~Anything you want to ask me, go right ahead

~I love the way you laugh

~I’m sorry, it’s my fault, not yours/my mistake sorry I made you feel bad

~You are worthy, don’t let anyone make you feel that you are not

~Someone is going to be a lucky man to have you as his wife

~I want to just hug you, and keep hugging you

~I’ve got the best daughter a mother could have

Written and copyrighted by Deb McCarthy/2017

Do You Harbor Resentment?

 

Do you harbor some resentment?  I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment.  — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

I recollect years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion.  We weren’t chummy friends; so that didn’t enter the picture, however, we did work in the same department.  Both of us shared equal qualifications, and employed there longer than her, I assumed I would get the position hands down.  Well, guess what – I didn’t.  You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile yet you are seething inside ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

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PTSD: Just can’t shake that Worthlessness feeling

PTSD is to blame for my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness habitually during my life.  Sexual abuse by a neighbor when I was six years old, coupled with the impact of living as a daughter of a narcissistic mother was the catalyst.  With trauma, both sexual and emotional, I experienced negativity leading to depression.  Seeking out therapy has improved the healing process.

On goodtherapy.org they explain Worthlessness

Worthlessness can be described as a feeling of desperation and hopelessness. Individuals who feel worthless may feel insignificant, useless, or believe they have nothing valuable to offer the world. People diagnosed with depression often report these feelings, and children who were neglected or abused may carry a sense of worthlessness into adulthood.

When worthlessness leads one to experience thoughts of suicide or causes other immediate crisis, it may be best to contact a crisis hotline or seek other help right away.

Understanding Worthlessness

Worthlessness, a feeling that may cause an individual to feel as if they have no significance or purpose, can have a significant negative effect on emotional health. A recent study conducted by researchers at Seoul National University found that feelings of worthlessness were significantly associated with lifetime suicide attempt in adults who reported major depression and had also experienced trauma. The study concluded that, among symptoms of depression, worthlessness had the strongest association with lifetime suicide attempt.

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Does High Self-Esteem = Narcissism?

image: google.ca

I found this research study interesting, misjudging the fact that perhaps High Self-Esteem is Not Narcissism.

High self-esteem is frequently mistaken for narcissism, but scientists say the two are distinctly different personality traits that evoke opposite responses in similar situations.

Principally, narcissists meticulously guard their self-imposed status of superiority to the point of isolating themselves. Even when the narcissist is surrounded by others, any perceived threat to his or her superiority has the potential to evoke a crude, self-serving response, according to research. Such reactions are typically interpreted by friends and acquaintances as boring behavior.

Researchers say the defensive mechanism of narcissists too often involves going on offense when their fragile egos take a hit. New psychological findings indicate narcissists more often battle a deep sense of dissatisfaction with themselves rather than with others.

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The 3 Most Devastating Kinds of Loss ~ but how do I recover?

“The human heart has a way of making itself large again even after it’s been broken into a million pieces”. ~~ Robert James

Understanding what kind of loss you’re experiencing can sometimes help you find your best self in the situation, say the authors of “You Can Heal Your Heart”.  Especially if you use these specific affirmations. (By Louise Hay and David Kessler)

1. Complicated Loss

To put it simply, a complicated loss is any loss that is complicated by other factors. Most of us know that we will experience loss when a relationship naturally ends. When two people mutually agree on separation and divorce, that is an uncomplicated loss.

When the death of an elderly relative happens in an expected way, after a good, long life, that is also an uncomplicated loss. How many of these are there? How often does everyone agree on endings, and how often do things end well?

Everyone’s lives are complicated, and so are their losses, of course. Losses become complicated when you don’t expect them to happen. In other words, the loss was a surprise. While you may name it, and it may well be a complicated loss, no matter how complex, the possibility for healing is always there. Let’s look at some examples of how we can change our thinking.

In a relationship, when one person wants a separation and the other doesn’t, you may want to add this to your thinking: “While I don’t understand this separation now, I will accept it as a reality so the healing can begin.”

This same thinking can be used with divorce: “I don’t believe we need to divorce, but my husband wants to (or, my wife has filed the papers). While I don’t agree with it, I do believe that we choose our own destiny, and my partner has chosen his (or hers). Everyone has a right to choose to be in a marriage or not.”

Remember that while the loss may be complicated, the healing doesn’t have to be. Continue reading

NPD Maternal Narcissism – Mom, describing most of your nasty traits

image: willieverbegoodenough.com

Mom, you scored beautifully on this:  31/33 (and you’re lucky I was being generous!).

How would your mother score out of 33?

(repost)

9 Things only you will understand living with Chronic Pain

Wow, I identify with all nine of these with my chronic migraines

As many as a third of Americans suffer from chronic pain—a full third! If you’re one of those people for whom low back pain, headaches, arthritis, or one of a long list of other conditions make your daily life a struggle, these nine experiences probably ring way too true.

http://www.prevention.com/health/symptoms-chronic-pain  provides details.

Why Am I Still Waiting for my Antidepressants to Work?

Image result for depression

I recall questioning my psychiatrist many times when he prescribed a new antidepressant and feeling nil results. His quick answer, “be patient“, and with that, I’d roll my eyes thinking, ‘yeah, you’re not the one with depression’.

Depression is a mental illness that affects how a person feels, thinks and handles daily activities. Antidepressants are prescribed to alleviate the symptoms of depression and help the brain process and use certain chemicals that regulate mood or stress. Unfortunately, existing medications usually require two to four weeks of use before patients respond.

In a recent Paper of the Week in the Journal of Biological Chemistry, Mark M. Rasenick and his team at the University of Illinois at Chicago describe why antidepressants have a delayed impact.

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7 Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

Introvert narcissists are often difficult to spot and yet can carry the same self-conceit and negative contagion as their extroverted counterpart. Look for these ke

Sourced through Scoop.it from: www.psychologytoday.com

7 Signs Your Relationship Is Abusive (Even If There’s No Physical Violence)

Women who are especially empathetic are actually often bait for psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists—exactly because of that sensitivity to the feelings of others. These are some of the things (besides physical violence) that suggest your significant other might be abusive.

Sourced through Scoop.it from: www.mindbodygreen.com

Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive

I found this article interesting recalling the grief I experienced while my grandmother struggled with Alzheimer’s, gradually becoming worse and failing to even recognize me.

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My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, “what are they talking about?  How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???” or a “holy crap, yes!  I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic”.  This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven’t, you don’t.  Either way, hopefully, you’ll read on.

Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article.  Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.

In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize.  The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen.  Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness.  If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand.  The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t.  But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were.  This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.

This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real.  Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things.  You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction.  You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.

More on this article @  whatsyourgrief.com

He Cheated on You ~ Now What?

Image: pixabay.com

Image: pixabay.com

7 Things to do after you find out he is cheating

You’ve just learned the unthinkable:  Your significant other cheated on you.

It’s the twist every one of us in a committed relationship dreads facing the most, and now it’s happening to you. Your mind is reeling, your heart is racing, and you’re hurting so much, you’re not sure you can go on. But you have to.

Believe it or not, there are things you can do — productive, healthy things — when you find out your husband or boyfriend has betrayed you in the worst possible way: by being with someone else. At a time like this, when you’re in complete shock, denial, disbelief and pain, it’s all you can do to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. But there are other ways to cope with such a devastating revelation.

_____________________________________

Here are seven steps to take when you find out he cheated on you.

1. Decide whether you want to stay with him or not and whether your relationship is worth saving

This will take some time after you’ve processed what happened. One way to figure out whether you should stay together and fight for your love is, to be honest about the type of man he is and the sort of betrayal involved. If he’s not the kind of guy who strays and it seems like it was a one-shot deal, you should try giving him another chance. Ditto if he confesses the affair or at least apologizes profusely and seems genuinely remorseful once you find out about it.

“Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that when they truly are slip-ups, they’re survivable,” William July, the author of Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor, tells Cosmo.

But if he’s done this before, this was more than just a one-time thing (i.e., it was an actual full-blown affair or romantic relationship with someone else), it happened with his ex, or he doesn’t seem the least bit sorry, think long and hard before choosing to stick it out.

2. Talk it out

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The Lady Found in the Snow

She was in her fifties and reported missing four or five days ago, a picture of a woman looking cheerful, with striking blue eyes, shoulder length light brown hair wearing a black and green mid-length parka. It was on the news and in the newspapers repeatedly, her picture of a woman with a warm smile.

To me it sounded peculiar, as if intentional or planned; waking in the morning, followed by calling in sick to work then vanishing. When reported missing, the police were summoned, then several friends and relatives began searching also. The investigation dragged on with no success, and it’s as if she went ‘poof’ into thin air, no trace, no use of credit cards.

Days passed, when someone identified her van at a cemetery, and not too distant from the van they discovered her body dead in the snow. The police didn’t reveal information as to the cause of death.

The newspapers stated that she was a registered nurse, worked for twenty-two years at the same hospital, extremely well liked and exceptional at her job. Her spouse was a clergy at the only church in the town where the family lived, and she leaves behind two children.

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Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief” is when your heart is grieving but you can’t talk about or share your pain with others because it is considered unacceptable to others. It’s when you’re sad and miserable and the world doesn’t think you should be, either because you’re not “entitled” or because it isn’t “worth it.”

See if any of these examples of disenfranchised grief ever applied to you:

Your relationship is not recognized by others because they didn’t know you had a close relationship.

This can occur when there is a miscarriage; a friendship not known to the family; caregivers such as a health professional when a patient dies; a former exchange student lived with you for awhile and when she went to her home country, she was killed; when you are extremely close with someone and someone they love is dying of has died; or the family knows about the relationship, but doesn’t know how close it was.  It could also occur because you had to give up a child for adoption or if you were given up for adoption.  Children can experience disenfranchised grief when they experience a loss and their grief is not acknowledged.

Your loss isn’t a person. Continue reading

Paranoid Personality Disorder

People with paranoid personality disorder are generally characterized by having a long-standing pattern of pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others.  A person with paranoid personality disorder will nearly always believe that other people’s motives are suspect or even malevolent.

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Watch Out for “Old Friends” Who Connect on Facebook

friends

This article appeared in ChicagoNow.com about Facebook friendship.  I’m cautious with my personal account and only have a few friends, however, FB has paid off for me finding a few people I had been searching for with positive results and rekindled friendships.

In high school, I had a friend that was like a sister to me. Two years older, we were inseparable. We lost contact and haven’t seen one another for over 25 years. Then on Facebook recently, I received a request from her to connect. I had thought of her occasionally and wondered what she had been up to. Excited by the potential of reconnecting and chatting about old times, I immediately accepted her Friend request and sent her a note with my contact information. She quickly responded and it seems we were on our way to a past due reunion.

Since we have connected on Facebook we have been corresponding on this site. It appears that my old friend is in need of help that I can not provide. Why now after all of these years did she reach out to me? And what does she want? Is she in real trouble and contacting her old friends for help? Or is she remembering a time in her life when there was a hopeful future and countless opportunities? Time has a way of limiting these opportunities with every decade that passes us by.

So it got me thinking that when should we help out an old friend from the past with whom we have lost contact with? Is this something we should do or take a pass on? I guess it depends on how close we were to them and how busy we are. But, the friend we knew then is not the same person that they are now. We only know them as they were, not as they are today. If we don’t know much about their life during these many years that have passed and the choices they made, should make ourselves available to them?

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Why Was I A Disappointment?

Image source: differentdream.com

WHY WAS I A DISAPPOINTMENT?

why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

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10 Things Passive People Say

image: google.ca

How passive you are depends on your personality, your perceptions of the world and your place in it, your feelings of empowerment and entitlement, and of course, the specifics of a given situation.

Passivity can be a useful strategy and a healthy coping mechanism in some situations. But it can also become habitual. When passivity begins to dominate our responses and interactions and determines our general approach to life, it can end up doing more harm than good.

The problem is we often do not realize how passive we’ve become and we often significantly underestimate how apparent our passivity is to others.

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Does High Self-Esteem = Narcissism?

image: google.ca

I found this research study interesting, misjudging the fact that perhaps High Self-Esteem is Not Narcissism.

DigitalJournal.com ~ Amsterdam – High self-esteem is frequently mistaken for narcissism, but scientists say the two are distinctly different personality traits that evoke opposite responses in similar situations.

Principally, narcissists meticulously guard their self-imposed status of superiority to the point of isolating themselves. Even when the narcissist is surrounded by others, any perceived threat to his or her superiority has the potential to evoke a crude, self-serving response, according to research. Such reactions are typically interpreted by friends and acquaintances as boring behavior.

Researchers say the defensive mechanism of narcissists too often involves going on offense when their fragile egos take a hit. New psychological findings indicate narcissists more often battle a deep sense of dissatisfaction with themselves rather than with others.

The study published yesterday in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science takes issue with the widely held view among psychologists that narcissists have inflated, excessive or extremely high self-esteem. Instead, current research by Brummelman and fellow researchers Sander Thomaes (Utrecht University and University of Southampton) and Constantine Sedikides (University of Southampton) shows narcissism and self-esteem are two fundamentally different things.

“At first blush, narcissism and self-esteem seem one and the same, but they differ in their very nature,” says Brummelman. “Narcissists feel superior to others but aren’t necessarily satisfied with themselves.”

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Do You Harbor Resentment?

Do you harbor some resentment?  I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment.  — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

I recollect years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion.  We weren’t chummy friends; so that didn’t enter the picture, however, we did work in the same department.  Both of us shared equal qualifications, and employed there longer than her, I assumed I would get the position hands down.  Well guess what – I didn’t.  You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile yet you are seething inside ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

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Ten Tips For People Who Second-Guess Themselves

Oldest psychology joke in the book:

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, “Hello.”
The other thinks, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

A variation:

Two people pass in the hall. One says hello and then thinks, “I wonder what I meant by that.”

 If you self-psychologize, you’re not alone. Still, you may have noticed that not everyone does. Here are some tips for us self-psychologizing second-guessers:

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Unloved Daughters and Friendship Problems

image: QuoteForest

While reading this article below, I immediately thought of myself and the difficulties I’ve experienced throughout my life with friends.  For me, I believe it’s been a huge trust issue and becoming over-sensitive during many of my friendships.  At times, due to a phone call or an e-mail not being returned, I interpreted this as my mother disregarding me when I was younger, and now friends not giving a hoot about me either.  Many other traumatic instances during my childhood came into play, thus losing many friendships.

This article on PsychCentral.com written by 

While rarely mentioned, one common legacy of an unloving mother is the daughter’s diminished ability or total inability to form close and sustaining friendships. This is a significant loss since friendship plays an important role in many women’s lives: our girlfriends are often the people we turn to in times of joy and trouble, when we need company or support, or we just need someone to truly listen. Unloved daughters often have trouble forging these bonds or maintaining them; the emotional isolation they felt in childhood is often replicated in adulthood when they find themselves with few or no girlfriends, or women they can actually trust.

Why is that? Our mothers are the first females we know in close proximity and we learn, for better or worse, not just what it means to be female but how females connect and relate. As children, we absorb the lessons our mothers model through their behaviors, accepting them as normal—we have nothing to compare them to, after all—and these become the unconscious templates for how we believe women act and relate in the outside world. Even though we’re unaware of them and their influence, we carry these scripts when we go out into the world as children, adolescents, and adults, and make friends with other girls and, later, women.

As the daughter of a jealous and withholding mother, I was cautious and wary as a girl when it came to friendships, especially in adolescence. Looking back, it’s clear that I viewed all girls as potential competitors who, if I let them, would somehow get the upper hand and hurt me. Another women, now in her fifties, confides that “My own neediness and insecurity trip me up with friends. I always end up, somehow, being the pleaser with other women. I give 100% and they give 10% and I end up feeling used.”

Joan Crawford and adopted daughter, Christina, wearing matching outfits in 1943

The internalized voice of the mother—telling you that you are unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy, inadequate—can become especially shrill when you’re in the company of other women, whether they are neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances or even girlfriends you actually long to be close to.

Gleaned from many conversations, here are four pieces of the maternal legacy that directly affect female friendships.

  1. Lack of trust

A loving and attuned mother models live in a world in which people are trustworthy and that extending yourself—leaving yourself open and vulnerable to another person—has great benefits. The unloved daughter learns the opposite and, even worse because her mother never acknowledges her behaviors, the daughter not only distrusts other people but her own perceptions and feelings. In friendships, she may be dismissive or wary or in need of constant reassurance and proof that her friend is really on her side. Either way, how she acts—even though she may want and need the friendship desperately—effectively sabotages it.

  1. Unable to heed boundaries

Absent the validation of self a loving mother provides, unloved daughters have difficulty recognizing what constitutes a healthy boundary; they may vacillate between being overly armored and being much too clingy. While this is partly a result of the daughter’s lack of trust, it also reflects her ongoing unfulfilled need for love and validation. “I think I exhausted my friendships when I was in my twenties and thirties,” one daughter, 48, reported. “It took me a long time to recognize that my friends needed space and that, sometimes, my constant demands for their attention were too much. Therapy helped me see that all I was doing was focusing on my needs without understanding the give-and-take friendship requires.”

  1. Over-sensitivity

All unloved daughters have trouble managing negative emotions—they have difficulty self-regulating and are prone to rumination—and, if their mothers have been dismissive, combative, or hypercritical, are always vigilant and self-protective. A friend’s comment or gesture that wouldn’t even appear on a securely-attached daughter’s radar can be totally misunderstood and blown out of proportion by an insecurely-attached one. These can be small things—an unreturned phone call, a late invitation, an offhand remark—that become triggers and flashpoints.

  1. Feelings of rivalry
Unfortunately, the unloved daughter’s lack of trust, difficulty with boundaries, and over-sensitivity may be compounded by feelings of rivalry, especially if her mother has been jealous of her or if there was another favored daughter with whom she competed unsuccessfully for her mother’s approval and attention. While unloved daughters who are only children tend to idealize the relationship of sisters—think Little Women—the reality is much more complicated. As Deborah Tannen writes in her book You Were Always Mom’s Favorite: “These two views [of sisters]—someone who sets you straight and someone who twists your words so they boomerang back and hurt you—represent the potential best and worst of sister conversations.”

It’s often hard for the unloved daughter to acknowledge her feelings of competition because the culture tends to look away from or minimize rivalry between and among women. Thinking about sisterhood is so much more pleasant, even though the word frenemy has been around since the 1950s when it was coined to describe politics, not rival girlfriends.  Susan Barash Shapiro’s book Tripping the Prom Queen paints a more realistic picture of the complexity of female connections.

Alas, the loneliness of childhood may be unwittingly extended into adulthood unless conscious awareness is brought to bear on a daughter’s reactivity

Source: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/02/unloved-daughters-and-the-problem-of-friendship/

Are you a Narcissist?

I came across this article “How to tell if social media has turned you into a diagnosable narcissist” on Elle.com.

Are you a narcissist?  A quote from the article had me smile:

True narcissists do not spend a lot of time wondering whether they are narcissists.”

See full article @

http://www.elle.com/life-love/a33443/are-you-a-narcissist/

 

Never take an abusive or ‘Narcissistic’ person to counseling with you

image: lovefraud.com

Another noteworthy article from Flying Monkey’s Denied.com , discussing narcissism and therapy. This would have been a farce having my narcissistic mother attend a therapy session with me, I can only imagine how far we would get before she marched out of the room in a huff, accusing me of “picking on her”,  boohooing, and obviously denying everything.
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If you suspect that a person you are dealing with has a Cluster B personality disorder like Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, or any form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it is crucial to downplay your interest in working with a counselor, mentor, or spiritual adviser. It’s even more important to keep them out (yes, we said out) of your therapy sessions.

Why?

Because toxic people with Cluster B symptomatically will use your candid admissions against you without hesitation or mercy. Trying to make intellectual headway with one or fleeing a persistent stalker is very much so like striving to reason with and show compassion for a robotic Terminator.

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SHE’S SUCH A NICE GIRL

I’ve never recognized why I developed a short fuse or experience sudden outbursts of anger while growing up, until I was in my therapy session last week.  My therapist and I are seldom at odds, yet one particular thing that she said ticked me off and I just snapped at her which turned into anger.

We talked it through, and resolved the issue, but I was shocked when she said “when angry, the PTSD kicks in just like that”.  I never connected anger, irritability or having a short fuse before with PTSD, but it makes sense.

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What is a Narcopath?

I was curious about this definition also and found an article on Flying Monkeys Denied.com:

What is a Narcopath? Above and beyond traditional definitions for what the Baby Boomers and WWII Generation grew up calling a “Megalomaniac” is a new definition of public figure as well. A new classification of “Narcopath” has also emerged to define a “Narcissistic Sociopath” separately identifiable from the terms “Dark Triad” or “Malignant Narcissist”.

Understanding Narcopathy is an emergent academic research discipline evolving in part due to the wide spread epidemic of NPD and ASPD sweeping not only across the United States but also globally. Considered emotional terrorists, Narcopaths typically take great pleasure in being in positions of power — places they should never be due to their inability to reign in capricious greed.

Because they are oftentimes temperamental, reckless, and red-faced, when they attain positions of power, they cannot seem to resist the urge to behave selfishly. Frighteningly predictable, they are unable to control their own impulses to behave in ways that do nothing but promote fear or discord in their own lives.

As a result, the people who know them best tend to dread having to spend time around them. Why? Because no one who is not masochistic seldom enjoys being lied to, brutalized, dressed down with zero input of constructive criticism, manipulated, taunted, ridiculed, laughed at, or antagonized.

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If My Narcissistic Mother Came Crawling Back, Do I Owe Her Anything?

I really enjoyed reading this article today titled “The Debt” in which it asked just that, do we owe parents who have abused us during our lives anything when we are adults?

See article @  Slate.com written by Emily Yoffe “The Debt”  When terrible, abusive parents come crawling back, what do their grown children owe them?

For me, I positively don’t owe my mother anything.  Here is the woman who spewed out vicious words, ignored me, displayed rare empathy, criticized, ranted, raved, and left me feeling worthless and undervalued.

My father passed away in 2012 and I (the scapegoat) only have one sibling (my brother, the golden child).

Our last conversation(s) were similar to this:

“Deb, since your dad died it’s been really lonely, I have no friends and have to do everything by myself.  You have a husband there all of the time to help you, I have no one.  It’s really depressing, all alone in the apartment with nothing to do but watch TV.  Your brother is always there if I need him, but you never seem to come over very often.  I know you don’t have the car much and I said I could drive you to appointments or to the mall, but you always say you take the bus.  We are family and we should do things for each other.”

She wants, and needs me now, yet she hasn’t changed her narcissistic personality at all, and most likely never will.  She can’t have me now, it’s too late mom you blew it.

How to leave a Narcissist

This is an excellent site flyingmonkeysdenied.com for articles on Narcissism and PTSD.
I found this post “How to Leave a Narcissist: Four key things to expect (step by step)

How to leave a narcissist.

Step one — understand walking away means planning to lose not only their half of money and personal possessions, but also your own.

Know they will do whatever it takes to destroy you socially, financially, psychologically, physically, and emotionally — more so if THEY were 100% at fault for the demise of the relationship (not less).

Expect zero help financially, physically, or with moral support; offering closure or remuneration to a victim is something a Narcissist resists, noting that even the process of grief will be interrupted repeatedly in order to make sure a target does not have it.

Step two — Plan you budget based on your own ability to produce income — not theirs.

Understand if you set your budget based on what you yourself can cover that you will never end up short; conversely, if you expect alimony and child support and rely on a dime to pay your bills that you yourself will have given them a highly effective manipulation tool to harm you directly each and every month a payment arrives late or never comes in.

Step three — Prepare to have your heart broken as they will perpetually strive to estrange children, family members, your entire emotional and social support network, and friendship circles from you with bonus points for their own ego if they can throw a home-town very public smear-campaign into the mix. Continue reading

The heavy cost of invalidation

Emerging From The Dark Night

It has taken me many years to begin to get a handle on where my feelings of shame, confusion, second guessing and low self esteem come from.  I remember when I made it to addiction recovery for alcoholism, my Mother congratulated me but was quick to point out I was the only one with problems in the family (not true my elder sister had undergone psychotic episodes a few years before) and it was all down to me being in her words “difficult” and “a late maturer”.

I seem to have gone through my life with a huge backlog of grief over never really having my true self and feelings validated together with a huge impact of physical and emotional trauma from accidents and then the descent into addiction all in an attempt to cope.  As my therapist explained it this week.

You were like a human canon ball being…

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PTSD ~ Transference & Countertransference in Therapy

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, who was seldom validated, shown empathy or only criticized and felt worthless, I began therapy and suddenly this outsider (therapist) was appreciating me as a person.  This was positive ‘transference’ in my situation.

I felt I mattered; someone thought I was worth taking the time to listen to and not disregard, nor snap back with vicious words or interrupt me.  She was validating what I had to say, and it was it was comforting not to feel like a loser or a failure finally.

Transference refers to the fact that we act towards people in the present based on our experiences from the past, particularly with our parents while we were growing up. In other words, we repeat patterns of behavior in the present that we learned in the past. Transference occurs all of the time. One example is when newlyweds react towards one another as though their spouse was their parent. They come to expect that the spouse will act to them as their parent once did.

In psychotherapy, there are times when the patient behaves as though the therapist were the parent from the past. This transference behavior becomes tremendously important in the “talking” or psychodynamic therapies because it helps the therapist correct the misperceptions and reactions of the patient in order that the healthier behavior occurs. An example might be of a patient who was always criticized by disproved of by their parent with the result that they constantly expect the therapist to be critical and disapproving.

Counter transference refers to the fact that the psychotherapist also has feelings in reaction to the patient. The therapist’s reactions to the patient could be based on things that happened in his own past or might be in reaction to the way a patient is behaving. For example, if a patient has a transferential feeling of sexual attraction towards their therapist, the therapist might find himself having a counter-transference sexual feeling towards the patient. Continue reading

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