Explaining emotional abuse from the ‘roots’

A Narcissistic Parent will drench fresh water on their golden child s plant daily yet merely permitting the scapegoat child s plant to receive tiny sprinkles of water on the odd day forever shadowed by the sun Deb McCarthy

I learned this bit of wisdom from my therapist during one of our many sessions discussing my narcissistic mother.  She explained it very clearly how a parent has children (plants); she waters some and helps them grow and flourish, yet the others who aren’t so lucky receive less attention and ignored.  I now understood how my mother cared and treated my brother vs. myself.   Do any of you feel this way?

 

A ‘NERVOUS BREAKDOWN’? what exactly is that?

WHAT IS A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? WHAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO HAVE THEM?

When I was first diagnosed with depression my mother-in-law termed my illness as a “bad case of the nerves”.  I always shook my head at that one, and questioned, what does depression have to do with bad nerves; an incredibly old belief or judgment perhaps?

The term “nervous breakdown” is used by the public to characterize a wide range of mental illnesses. Nervous breakdown is not a medical term and doesn’t indicate a specific mental illness. Generally, the term describes a person who is severely and persistently emotionally distraught and unable to function at his or her normal level.

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I was incarcerated because I panicked

This was my first time “behind bars” taken via a police car and booked tonight just because I panicked. One feels this is jail, tossed into a cold cell awaiting the guard to slam shut the heavy metal door. Lying there frozen, shivering, alone peering down to shackled ankles. Why do I deserve this? Jailed because I have a mental illness?

Bolted down. Incarcerated.

Eyes open slowly and encircle a dingy room. Everything is bolted; windows, a desk, chairs, and including this bed. The windows have bars attached, walls are an ugly light pink and the curtain dividing my neighbor’s bed looks hideous also, but what was I expecting; a hotel room?

Is it daybreak? A rap on the door startles me, followed by a female voice stating, “breakfast and meds”.

I prefer not recalling what happened last evening, dialing the Distress Center, talking for what felt like hours with a counselor who had a monotone voice about my obsessive suicidal feelings. Thoughts danced in my head for days, dreaming of ways to carry out my demise. Then, at some stage in this conversation, I became irritated and slammed down the phone, prompting an unexpected visit from the police. Next a knock at my door where I was unconvincing as to my state of mind, and there a decision was made, I was to be transported somewhere?

Neighbors, who don’t as a rule, walk their dogs, now saunter by the police car, peering in, along with others peeking through window blinds and curtains. The back seat of this cruiser is larger than expected, however, I am seated with my mind in a muddle, confused, uncertain of the future yet despising the present.

Both police officers chat quietly in police jargon; I assume they are awaiting word of which hospital to take me, then suddenly I’m on my way. The drive is a speedy drive, yet for me, a lengthy one. A time to reflect… a time to sob…. a time to sit in wonderment. In the back of a cruiser – how can this be? Punishment? I’ve never committed a crime in my life. Will I go before a judge; am I to be sentenced and charged for suicidal ‘thinking’ and (to some) selfishly wishing to end my life?

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Bipolar Disorder ~ Were you perhaps Misdiagnosed?

 

Bipolar Disorder Often Misdiagnosed as Major Depression

Researchers Pinpoint 5 Factors That Can Help Improve Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder

I’ve been hunting for an article just like this, perhaps info for my dilemma ‘Major Depression diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder’.

 I was diagnosed as BP II in 1997, at which time psychiatrists prescribed mood stabilizers, followed by antidepressants and a myriad of medications throughout the years. 

A number of these medications are still prescribed, so I’m puzzled by this diagnosis, considering primarily fighting off major depression for years.  Episodes of “mood swings”, “rapid cycling” or “mania”, just aren’t there.  I’m demanding a reevaluation; perhaps confirming meds that may not even be necessary.

About one in three people diagnosed with major depression may actually have bipolar disorder, researchers report.

Five characteristics, including extreme mood swings and psychiatric symptoms at a young age, may help pinpoint which patients actually have bipolar disorder, they say.

Bipolar disorder covers a spectrum of disorders in which patients may be sad and down one day and feeling on top of the world, hyperactive, creative, and grandiose the next.

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Depression: Planning my Escape

Attending a party when you feel like crap? Imagine planning your escape the moment you walk in?

Envision feeling lonely when you are actually with people; with friends, celebrating a birthday party at someone’s house. You experience emptiness. The room is filled with chatter and laughter, yet you are seated; numb.

Depression is lonely. Curled up in a ball – lonely.

This actually happened to me. I was pretty much forced to attend a birthday party, and although I resisted, I soon surrendered due to the fact that it was for a dear friend and I was absent from all other celebrations throughout the past year.

Seated in a Lazy-Boy for part of the evening, I held tightly onto a diet Coke. I thought it polite to rise and finally mingle; show a smile, pretend to enjoy the evening, yet the feeling of hollowness was debilitating. Laughter echoed.

For the majority of the year, I had been in the hospital more than out. Depression was black; I felt as if I was literally dumped into a black hole and left for dead. It was stated there was light up at the top of this hole, yet I was forever waiting to witness any.

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A ‘NERVOUS BREAKDOWN’? what exactly is that?

WHAT IS A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? WHAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO HAVE THEM?

When I was first diagnosed with depression my mother-in-law termed my illness as a “bad case of the nerves”.  I always shook my head at that one, and questioned, what does depression have to do with bad nerves; an incredibly old belief or judgment perhaps?

The term “nervous breakdown” is used by the public to characterize a wide range of mental illnesses. Nervous breakdown is not a medical term and doesn’t indicate a specific mental illness. Generally, the term describes a person who is severely and persistently emotionally distraught and unable to function at his or her normal level.

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Why Was I A Disappointment?

Image source: differentdream.com

WHY WAS I A DISAPPOINTMENT?

why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

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Depression: Am I here in this black hole forever? Huh?

I used to ask myself, almost every day throughout my depressive illness; is this it?  Does it get ever any better?  Am I stuck here in this black hole forever?

Sounds pessimistic, but my history of recurring hospital admissions and medications that were ineffective, coupled with suicide attempts and unrelenting depression, didn’t illustrate a positive picture.  At separate hospital admissions, I was frequently greeted by the same bed, same patients and same nurses who precisely dispensed my medications.  Many years ago, hospitalization was a sort of an incarcerated life; that of daily rituals, set meal times, social activities, lights out at 11:30 pm, and scheduled visits from visitors.   Finally, discharge, after serving my “time”, which meant adjusting to home life all over again.

With zilch changing; I’m asking “is this as good as life gets?”

It’s both upsetting and scary, no one should ever have to endure this type of life, and depression, for me, proved a dreadful existence.  After spending months in the hospital, I would continually sense that I was one footstep away from hospital waters every waking day.  Continuously, just a step away from hell; surviving only on the surface.

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The beginning of Trauma Bonding

This article is from a new blog I discovered Be a Voice, Not an Echo ~ Author, Kelly Bristow – Occupational Therapist. Disability specialist.

Please read this interesting article regarding “The Beginning of Trauma Bonding“.

Recurrent ‘Brief Depression’

Recurrent brief depression, characterised by frequently occurring brief depressive episodes, lasting less than two weeks, is now recognised as a common and disabling illness with a chronic relapsing course and a significant suicide risk.

The episodes have a mean duration of 3 days, but otherwise fulfill the symptomatic criteria for DSM III-R major depression. Some two thirds of episodes satisfy severity criteria for at least moderate depression and about a third for severe depression.

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This Therapist Caused Depression & Suicide Attempts!

I have an excellent psychologist I see for therapy currently and have worked with her for over 5 years on many issues, especially PTSD.  I feel fortunate to have found the right one for me, as I have been through some unqualified and useless therapists throughout the years.  You truly have to ensure you and your therapist are the “right fit” for therapy to be successful, or it can be harmful.  I didn’t always feel this way, my first attempt turned my world upside down…

——–

In 1994, I sought out therapy for childhood sexual abuse, and in hindsight I believe it was a horrible decision to make.  Digging into the past with therapy can alleviate the triggers of flashbacks, unspeakable dreams and memories, however, recognizing when life is becoming unmanageable, it’s time to discontinue or “back off” therapy in my opinion.

I met Betty in 1994. Crying spells were occurring at home, work, while driving – I honestly thought I was losing it.  An ad in our newspaper seeking volunteers through the hospital psychology department were to partake in a study, asking if, “Are you experiencing flashbacks, troubling dreams or nightmares?” interested me,  HOWEVER, ANSWERING THIS AD WAS TO BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.   I knew nothing of therapy, and finally met up with Betty, a therapist, who surmised individual therapy would be best suited.  She said it was called Psychodynamic psychotherapy.

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Panic Moments

I worked for my company for six years, then left unexpectedly due to “can’t take it this job any longer” depression, then resulting in long-term disability three years ago.  I never disclosed to anyone the struggle with my mental illness the entire time I was employed, largely due to trust issues and stigma.  The lunch ladies weren’t honorable; a bunch of gossipers with loose lips, so actually no one knew why I quickly departed.

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SUICIDE: THE TABOO WORD

Suicide: definition…is an act of willfully ending one’s life.

Males die much more often than females by suicide, while females attempt suicide more often. U.S. Caucasians commit suicide more often than African Americans do.
People commit suicide more often during spring and summer.

Suicidal ideation produces the perilous side of mental illness, acting as both a friend and seducer. Even though thoughts of dying encapsulate our mind on one hand, we yearn to remain living on the other. We desire just to feel better.

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Depression: Hopelessness, Helplessness

I wrote and produced this video in 2009 for part of my psychiatrist’s presentation to students and colleagues.  Today, I actually sat down and figured out how to upload (light bulb went on) this video onto YouTube!

The title “Depression:  Hopelessness and helplessness” describes depression.

Men and Women Experience Depression Differently, How?

This article appeared on (Fox News.com) ~ It discusses forms of depression, and how men and women experience depression differently, and also includes other links.

Depressive disorders are a complex and often confusing family of conditions. Sometimes lumped under the general term “depression,” these disorders can cause any combination of several symptoms. Because of this, depressive disorders manifest in a variety of ways, making them sometimes difficult to diagnose.

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LITTLE GIRL

LITTLE GIRL

Hey little girl, I saw you with that man

what were you doing, letting him have his way

didn’t you know it was wrong, why didn’t you stop it?

you could have said no, but you still let it happen

what’s wrong with you?  how could you not know?

~~~~

I tried to say no, he was bigger than me

yet he made me feel wanted, and special for once

I was his “princess” and he said I “danced like an angel”

and I was invisible to everyone else

even though it hurt, it was worth the warm feelings

that I craved so much, and he granted me so lovingly

but then came anguish and pain

~~~~

Finally, I did try to tell, but no one would listen

the words came out, yet no words were heard

no one will really know

that my mind and my heart

died back then

I was little and

I didn’t know to say no

~~~ Deb

Treating depression: drugs or therapy?

I’ve struggled with depression for countless years and for me, well, I’m undecided if it’s the medication or therapy that eventually plucked me out from the bleakest of black holes, yet I haven’t required hospitalization in years.  Hmmm, kind of has me questioning the approaches, meds vs. therapy or if both are essential?  I remain on the remedy of both, but I also continue to live with this crappy depression.

On (well.blogs.nytimes.com) ~ by  ~an article was written about this very subject.

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Sudden death of loved one can trigger psychiatric disorders

The sudden loss of a loved one can trigger a variety of psychiatric disorders in people with no history of mental illness.  While previous studies have suggested there is a link between sudden bereavement and an onset of common psychiatric disorders, this is the first study to show the association of acute bereavement and mania in a large population sample.

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Reclassification of PTSD diagnosis potentially excludes soldiers diagnosed under previous criteria

A new head-to-head comparison of screening questionnaires for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), published in The Lancet Psychiatry journal, shows a worrying discordance between the previous version of the PTSD definition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — fourth edition (DSM-IV) and DSM-5, released in 2013.

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Depression: my words

 

 

“Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat.   It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless.  Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, one is completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming.   It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence.  Life tastes sour”. –  Depression: The Lonely Dance ~ written by Deb

 

This “Everything Happens for a Reason” crap

I think about this statement often and it pisses me to no end.  What precisely does it mean, and why do people say it?  Does it mean when there is a world disaster, a school shooting, childhood sexual abuse, serial murderers and rapists, riots, war veterans killed or any other horrible occurrence, it happened for a reason?  Please explain.

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Warrior Child Award

I received both membership into the “Mental Health Writers Guild” this week for my blog and also became aware and accepted an award that I have never heard of called “Warrior Child Award”.

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Just to let you know…..

As you may have noticed I’ve haven’t posted in awhile, well, I’ve been in the depths of major depression brought on mostly by recurring PTSD once again.  PTSD is unrelenting, and I ask, will the memories, or flashbacks ever disappear for good?  Every time I think I’ve pushed the past away and I’m back on my feet, here it comes again and the tears start flowing and I’m once again in a fragile state.  I’m back in therapy for this crap also.

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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Deciding to leave the eating disorder programme was the correct decision, and at the time I felt optimistic, however things have gone a tad sour.  I haven’t been on my blog much, for this has been the reason.

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DEPRESSION: Never leaves my side

For months now, I’ve just been wandering around in a depressive fog.  Each day runs into the next, emotions run high and tears flow without warning; are the grey clouds actually indoors floating over me?  It sucks.

I think the quote says it all.

Image source:  Pinterest.com 

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