Tag: family

Do you know How to leave a Narcissist?

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This is an excellent site flyingmonkeysdenied.com for articles on Narcissism and PTSD.
I found this post “How to Leave a Narcissist: Four key things to expect (step by step)

How to leave a narcissist.

Step one — understand walking away means planning to lose not only their half of the money and personal possessions, but also what they own.

Know they will do whatever it takes to destroy you socially, financially, psychologically, physically, and emotionally — more so if THEY were 100% at fault for the demise of the relationship (not less).

Expect zero help financially, physically, or with moral support; offering closure or remuneration to a victim is something a Narcissist resists, noting that even the process of grief will be interrupted repeatedly in order to make sure a target does not have it.

Step two — Plan you budget based on your own ability to produce income — not theirs.

Understand if you set your budget based on what you yourself can cover that you will never end up short; conversely, if you expect alimony and child support and rely on a dime to pay your bills that you yourself will have given them a highly effective manipulation tool to harm you directly each and every month a payment arrives late or never comes in.

Step three — Prepare to have your heart broken as they will perpetually strive to estrange children, family members, your entire emotional and social support network, and friendship circles from you with bonus points for their own ego if they can throw a home-town very public smear-campaign into the mix. Continue reading →

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Are you bullied by your Children?

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I found this article interesting, as my husband and I frequently comment on the way children behave while out in public places, and how different times are compared to how strict our parents were with us.  Last week, we seldom eat out and our dinner was spoiled at a restaurant (not fast food), where children from three different families were either screaming or running everywhere.  In my opinion, the kids aren’t at fault; it’s the parents.

Have you ever seen a child bully or boss around his parents? A child who talks down to them, disrespects or even mocks them? Embarrassing, isn’t it?

A generation or two ago, it would have been unthinkable for children to bully their parents. Today, nearly everyone knows a parent who is bullied by his or her child. Pay a visit to your local playground or stroll through a shopping mall. You’re bound to see the bullied parent dynamic in action.

Continue reading →

Depression: How are you Coping With Pregnancy Loss?

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Symptomfind.com includes an article on: “6 Important Steps for Coping with Pregnancy Loss’.

A miscarriage, or other forms of pregnancy loss, is a devastating and difficult process.  It is important to surround yourself with your family and loved ones, and take steps to take care of yourself in a healthy manner emotionally, mentally and physically.  Even though it may feel like you will never be the same again, healing will come with time.

Step #1 – It Is Okay To Grieve

~This includes: Denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance

Step #2 – Get Support

Step #3 – Communicate With Your Significant Other

Step #4 – Take Care Of And Protect Yourself

Step #5 – Make a Memorial

Step #6 – Moving On

What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

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There has been a secret you’ve been concealing, that’s most likely eating you up inside, however, you now have mustered enough courage to tell someone you trust. It’s rough, and you’re just a kid.

Protection and trust have already been shattered by your abuser; you just couldn’t take it anymore, now it’s time to receive compassion, tenderness and told you were so courageous for coming forward and that person will be punished.

It may perhaps have been very positive for you, you were believed, acknowledged, obtained love, affection, sorrow and apologies for this ever happening; possibly counseling. You went on to recover with perhaps some difficulty, but you received support.

OR

Instead, it was the most regretful day of my life.

Continue reading →

Maternal Narcissism ~ Mom, only wishing you could have said these words to me…

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They burned the bridge, then ask why I don't visit. | unluckymonster made this with Spoken.ly:

Recalling my childhood, my mother seldom had any positive or encouraging words for me, mainly heartless or cruel remarks, only criticizing me for one thing or another spewed from her mouth. She was continually displeased, and only now recognizing that it would be impossible to accomplish ever pleasing this woman.

I was thinking the other day, what words would myself and perhaps others wish their narcissistic moms compassionately said to them.

Mom, if only you could have said:

~I know you don’t lie, of course, I believe you

~Always come to me when you’re upset or angry, I love you

~I’ll always believe in you, whatever your dreams are

~Let’s just have a girl’s day out once in a while, your choice, whatever you want

~You look so cute in those clothes

~Don’t focus on body image, it’s what’s inside

~You’re more important to me than anything

~I’m so damn proud of you.

~I love reading your stories/artwork/playing games

~You smell so nice and clean

~Don’t always spend time in your bedroom, we should spend more time together

~Your feelings matter you have a right to your opinion, I’m not always right and remember, we all make mistakes

~You look like something is bothering you, want to talk about it?

~Let me take care of you when you’re so sick, how about hot tea? Or I’ll sit beside you or we’ll lay in bed together

~Sure, have your friends over anytime, they are always welcome

~You’re so precious to me, having a daughter is a blessing

~Anything you want to ask me, go right ahead

~I love the way you laugh

~I’m sorry, it’s my fault, not yours/my mistake sorry I made you feel bad

~You are worthy, don’t let anyone make you feel that you are not

~Someone is going to be a lucky man to have you as his wife

~I want to just hug you, and keep hugging you

~I’ve got the best daughter a mother could have

Written and copyrighted by Deb McCarthy/2017

Do You Harbor Resentment?

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Do you harbor some resentment?  I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment.  — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

I recollect years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion.  We weren’t chummy friends; so that didn’t enter the picture, however, we did work in the same department.  Both of us shared equal qualifications, and employed there longer than her, I assumed I would get the position hands down.  Well, guess what – I didn’t.  You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile yet you are seething inside ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

Continue reading →

Does High Self-Esteem = Narcissism?

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image: google.ca

I found this research study interesting, misjudging the fact that perhaps High Self-Esteem is Not Narcissism.

High self-esteem is frequently mistaken for narcissism, but scientists say the two are distinctly different personality traits that evoke opposite responses in similar situations.

Principally, narcissists meticulously guard their self-imposed status of superiority to the point of isolating themselves. Even when the narcissist is surrounded by others, any perceived threat to his or her superiority has the potential to evoke a crude, self-serving response, according to research. Such reactions are typically interpreted by friends and acquaintances as boring behavior.

Researchers say the defensive mechanism of narcissists too often involves going on offense when their fragile egos take a hit. New psychological findings indicate narcissists more often battle a deep sense of dissatisfaction with themselves rather than with others.

Continue reading →

What is Huntington’s Disease?

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You don’t hear much about this disease, and I found it extremely interesting to read about.

Quick Answer: Huntington’s disease is an incurable, hereditary brain disorder. It is a devastating disease for which there is no currently “effective” treatment.

Nerve cells become damaged, causing various parts of the brain to deteriorate. The disease affects movement, behavior and cognition – the affected individuals’ abilities to walk, think, reason and talk are gradually eroded to such a point that they eventually become entirely reliant on other people for their care.

Huntington’s disease has a major emotional, mental, social and economic impact on the lives of patients, as well as their families. Continue reading →

Hey, are you filling my prescriptions properly? Beware!! 4 Pharmacy errors that can spell danger

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This is critical information for everyone.  Each time you pick up your prescription – check it!!

How to avoid pharmacy mix-ups that can mean serious consequences for your health

How often do serious pharmacy errors happen? Actually, nobody knows. There is little data tracking the problem across Canada.  So what do you need to know to stay safe? Here are four errors to watch out for that can have serious consequences for your health.

CBC News and Marketplace have been investigating pharmacy errors for several months in the largest hidden-camera test of its kind in Canada. Follow our continuing coverage at cbcnews.ca. Watch the complete investigation, Dispensing Danger, on Friday at 8 p.m. on CBC TV and online.

According to the Institute for Safe Medication Practices (ISMP) Canada, medication problems are often caused by a combination of factors. Here are some problems to watch out for:

Illegible prescriptions

Continue reading →

NPD Maternal Narcissism – Mom, describing most of your nasty traits

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image: willieverbegoodenough.com

Mom, you scored beautifully on this:  31/33 (and you’re lucky I was being generous!).

How would your mother score out of 33?

(repost)

Depression and Caregiving

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Could the sadness, loneliness or anger you feel today be a warning sign of depression? It’s possible. It is not unusual for caregivers to develop mild or more serious depression as a result of the constant demands they face in providing care.

Caregiving does not cause depression, nor will everyone who provides care experience the negative feelings that go with depression. But in an effort to provide the best possible care for a family member or friend, caregivers often sacrifice their own physical and emotional needs and the emotional and physical experiences involved with providing care can strain even the most capable person. The resulting feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation, exhaustion—and then guilt for having these feelings—can exact a heavy toll.

Continue reading →

Depression may pass from mothers to daughters

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Depression appears to be passed down from mothers to daughters, say researchers who have been looking at similarities in brain structures between generations. The research is published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

Around 8% of Americans aged 12 years and over are affected by depression. It is commonly found in both mothers and daughters, previous human studies have reported.

Animal studies in the past have shown that when mothers are stressed during pregnancy, this is more likely to be reflected in the brain structure of daughters than of sons, specifically in the corticolimbic system.

The corticolimbic system is used to assess danger, and it is also where emotions are processed and regulated. It includes the hippocampus, amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex and ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

Mood disorders such as depression, anxiety, and stress are reflected in changes to this system. These structural changes are most likely to be passed down from mothers than from fathers; they tend to affect daughters rather than sons.

Researchers from the University of California-San Francisco (UCSF), led by Dr. Fumiko Hoeft, PhD., an associate professor of psychiatry, studied 35 families, none of whom had a diagnosis of depression, in an attempt to link the two study areas.

Source: Medicalnewstoday.com 

Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive

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I found this article interesting recalling the grief I experienced while my grandmother struggled with Alzheimer’s, gradually becoming worse and failing to even recognize me.

~~
My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, “what are they talking about?  How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???” or a “holy crap, yes!  I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic”.  This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven’t, you don’t.  Either way, hopefully, you’ll read on.

Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article.  Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.

In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize.  The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen.  Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness.  If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand.  The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t.  But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were.  This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.

This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real.  Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things.  You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction.  You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.

More on this article @  whatsyourgrief.com

7 Ways to Avoid Re-Traumatizing a Trauma Victim

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I found this article somewhat helpful appearing in PsychCental.com.

Trauma is a complex phenomenon. Many of us have probably experienced an event that we struggle to not only forget, but emotionally cope with. If I were to ask you if you have ever experienced a traumatic event what would you say? Was it severe, moderate, or mild? Was it long-term or short-term? Were you able to easily get over it? Whatever the case may be, a traumatic experience must be an event that we find difficult to cope with over time. Sadly, many people who tend to lack knowledge about trauma fail to recognize that anything a trauma victim comes in contact with can re-traumatize them.

For example, I previously had a client who witnessed his mother slit her throat and commit suicide. Prior to this suicide, the mother had been playing hiding-go-seek outside with all 4 of her children. This child struggled with understanding why his mother would walk away during hiding-go-seek and kill herself. Now, at the age 10, he watches movies with his father that often include crime scenes, murder, and suicide which tends to trigger memories of his mother’s suicide. He is unable to sleep at night, relax, or put the past behind him. Yet, his father is unaware of the reality that he  is possibly re-traumatizing his own son with these movies.

This article will discuss 7 things we, who are close to trauma victims, should be mindful not to do. I will also give suggestions on what we should do instead.

It is sad to say but a large amount of individual, families and parents come to therapy with unrealistic expectations about the therapeutic process. I often have parents and families ask the following questions when they see me for the first time:

  • “How often will he/she see you?” This question is asked because the unrealistic expectation is that if the child/teen sees me more often throughout the week, progress will happen faster.
  • “Will you make him/her talk?” This question is asked because the unrealistic expectation is that I am someone who should make an individual talk about the “bad” things that have happened to them in order to stimulate great progress.
  • “Has she/he talk to you about what happened to them?” This question is also asked with the unrealistic expectation that an individual, who just met me and may be slow to warm up, will open up like a fountain and start talking. Many families often tell the child/teen “your therapist is not going to judge you so just open up.”
  • “Why isn’t he/she talking about what makes him/her so mad?” This question is asked with the unrealistic expectation that if the person talks about their past, they won’t be so angry anymore.

Remainder of this article @
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/06/7-ways-to-avoid-re-traumatizing-a-trauma-victim/

(repost)

 

What is Huntington’s Disease?

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Quick Answer: Huntington’s disease is an incurable, hereditary brain disorder. It is a devastating disease for which there is no currently “effective” treatment.

Nerve cells become damaged, causing various parts of the brain to deteriorate. The disease affects movement, behavior and cognition – the affected individuals’ abilities to walk, think, reason and talk are gradually eroded to such a point that they eventually become entirely reliant on other people for their care.

Huntington’s disease has a major emotional, mental, social and economic impact on the lives of patients, as well as their families.

Fast facts on Huntington’s disease

Here are some key points about Huntington’s disease. More detail and supporting information are in the main article.

–Huntington’s disease is, to date, incurable.

–Huntington’s disease attacks nerve cells gradually over time. Continue reading →

Depression may pass from mothers to daughters

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Depression appears to be passed down from mothers to daughters, say researchers who have been looking at similarities in brain structures between generations. The research is published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

Around 8% of Americans aged 12 years and over are affected by depression. It is commonly found in both mothers and daughters, previous human studies have reported.

Animal studies in the past have shown that when mothers are stressed during pregnancy, this is more likely to be reflected in the brain structure of daughters than of sons, specifically in the corticolimbic system.

The corticolimbic system is used to assess danger, and it is also where emotions are processed and regulated. It includes the hippocampus, amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex and ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

Continue reading →

Why Was I A Disappointment?

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Image source: differentdream.com

WHY WAS I A DISAPPOINTMENT?

why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

Continue reading →

Does High Self-Esteem = Narcissism?

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image: google.ca

I found this research study interesting, misjudging the fact that perhaps High Self-Esteem is Not Narcissism.

DigitalJournal.com ~ Amsterdam – High self-esteem is frequently mistaken for narcissism, but scientists say the two are distinctly different personality traits that evoke opposite responses in similar situations.

Principally, narcissists meticulously guard their self-imposed status of superiority to the point of isolating themselves. Even when the narcissist is surrounded by others, any perceived threat to his or her superiority has the potential to evoke a crude, self-serving response, according to research. Such reactions are typically interpreted by friends and acquaintances as boring behavior.

Researchers say the defensive mechanism of narcissists too often involves going on offense when their fragile egos take a hit. New psychological findings indicate narcissists more often battle a deep sense of dissatisfaction with themselves rather than with others.

The study published yesterday in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science takes issue with the widely held view among psychologists that narcissists have inflated, excessive or extremely high self-esteem. Instead, current research by Brummelman and fellow researchers Sander Thomaes (Utrecht University and University of Southampton) and Constantine Sedikides (University of Southampton) shows narcissism and self-esteem are two fundamentally different things.

“At first blush, narcissism and self-esteem seem one and the same, but they differ in their very nature,” says Brummelman. “Narcissists feel superior to others but aren’t necessarily satisfied with themselves.”

Continue reading →

Do You Harbor Resentment?

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Do you harbor some resentment?  I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment.  — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

I recollect years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion.  We weren’t chummy friends; so that didn’t enter the picture, however, we did work in the same department.  Both of us shared equal qualifications, and employed there longer than her, I assumed I would get the position hands down.  Well guess what – I didn’t.  You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile yet you are seething inside ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

Continue reading →

Are you a Narcissist?

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I came across this article “How to tell if social media has turned you into a diagnosable narcissist” on Elle.com.

Are you a narcissist?  A quote from the article had me smile:

“True narcissists do not spend a lot of time wondering whether they are narcissists.”

See full article @

http://www.elle.com/life-love/a33443/are-you-a-narcissist/

 

Never take an abusive or ‘Narcissistic’ person to counseling with you

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image: lovefraud.com

Another noteworthy article from Flying Monkey’s Denied.com , discussing narcissism and therapy. This would have been a farce having my narcissistic mother attend a therapy session with me, I can only imagine how far we would get before she marched out of the room in a huff, accusing me of “picking on her”,  boohooing, and obviously denying everything.
~~

If you suspect that a person you are dealing with has a Cluster B personality disorder like Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, or any form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it is crucial to downplay your interest in working with a counselor, mentor, or spiritual adviser. It’s even more important to keep them out (yes, we said out) of your therapy sessions.

Why?

Because toxic people with Cluster B symptomatically will use your candid admissions against you without hesitation or mercy. Trying to make intellectual headway with one or fleeing a persistent stalker is very much so like striving to reason with and show compassion for a robotic Terminator.

Continue reading →

SHE’S SUCH A NICE GIRL

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I’ve never recognized why I developed a short fuse or experience sudden outbursts of anger while growing up, until I was in my therapy session last week.  My therapist and I are seldom at odds, yet one particular thing that she said ticked me off and I just snapped at her which turned into anger.

We talked it through, and resolved the issue, but I was shocked when she said “when angry, the PTSD kicks in just like that”.  I never connected anger, irritability or having a short fuse before with PTSD, but it makes sense.

Continue reading →

What is a Narcopath?

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I was curious about this definition also and found an article on Flying Monkeys Denied.com:

What is a Narcopath? Above and beyond traditional definitions for what the Baby Boomers and WWII Generation grew up calling a “Megalomaniac” is a new definition of public figure as well. A new classification of “Narcopath” has also emerged to define a “Narcissistic Sociopath” separately identifiable from the terms “Dark Triad” or “Malignant Narcissist”.

Understanding Narcopathy is an emergent academic research discipline evolving in part due to the wide spread epidemic of NPD and ASPD sweeping not only across the United States but also globally. Considered emotional terrorists, Narcopaths typically take great pleasure in being in positions of power — places they should never be due to their inability to reign in capricious greed.

Because they are oftentimes temperamental, reckless, and red-faced, when they attain positions of power, they cannot seem to resist the urge to behave selfishly. Frighteningly predictable, they are unable to control their own impulses to behave in ways that do nothing but promote fear or discord in their own lives.

As a result, the people who know them best tend to dread having to spend time around them. Why? Because no one who is not masochistic seldom enjoys being lied to, brutalized, dressed down with zero input of constructive criticism, manipulated, taunted, ridiculed, laughed at, or antagonized.

Continue reading →

If My Narcissistic Mother Came Crawling Back, Do I Owe Her Anything?

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I really enjoyed reading this article today titled “The Debt” in which it asked just that, do we owe parents who have abused us during our lives anything when we are adults?

See article @  Slate.com written by Emily Yoffe “The Debt”  When terrible, abusive parents come crawling back, what do their grown children owe them?

For me, I positively don’t owe my mother anything.  Here is the woman who spewed out vicious words, ignored me, displayed rare empathy, criticized, ranted, raved, and left me feeling worthless and undervalued.

My father passed away in 2012 and I (the scapegoat) only have one sibling (my brother, the golden child).

Our last conversation(s) were similar to this:

“Deb, since your dad died it’s been really lonely, I have no friends and have to do everything by myself.  You have a husband there all of the time to help you, I have no one.  It’s really depressing, all alone in the apartment with nothing to do but watch TV.  Your brother is always there if I need him, but you never seem to come over very often.  I know you don’t have the car much and I said I could drive you to appointments or to the mall, but you always say you take the bus.  We are family and we should do things for each other.”

She wants, and needs me now, yet she hasn’t changed her narcissistic personality at all, and most likely never will.  She can’t have me now, it’s too late mom you blew it.

Child Sex Abuse Case Sheds Light on Warning Signs

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This brief news article appeared today, forewarning once again the importance that parents be aware of adults who are in contact with their children.  Note to parents out there:  If your child is courageous enough to approach you, please validate and believe him/her.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (WKRN) — A West Meade man is in jail accused of repeatedly molesting an 11-year-old boy.  Investigators say, 44-year-old Darrell Fisher was a “father-figure” to his victim and that is often how something like this starts.

Fisher was reportedly often at places where children were though he didn’t have any children of his own.

He coached for a club lacrosse team started by parents at JT Moore Middle School from 1998-2008. He was a boy scout leader at least from 2001 and he also started a military history group for young men.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “stranger danger” is rare. A child often knows his or her abuser.

The Center for Disease Control says, one in six boys are sexually abused before they’re 18. For girls, it’s one in four.

A few warning signs of child sexual abuse are if your children becomes withdrawn, self-destructive and/or shows poor school performance. Sometimes, though, there are not outward symptoms.

Continue reading →

PTSD & Narcissism ~ and that feeling of Emptiness

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I experienced emptiness during my childhood as a daughter of a narcissistic mother who either ignored me most days or spewed vicious words of criticism and anger.  Which was worse, being ignored or the vicious words ~ either way I felt empty.

My previous postings on Validation & Childhood Emotional Neglect include examples of emptiness.

 The article below is from an article on PsychCentral.com

Emptiness. It’s not a disorder in and of itself, like anxiety or depression. Nor is it experienced by most people as a symptom that interferes with their lives. It’s more a generic feeling of discomfort, a lack of being filled up that may come and go. Some people feel it physically, as an ache or an empty space in their belly or chest. Others experience it more as an emotional numbness. You may have a general sense that you’re missing something that everybody else has, or that you’re on the outside looking in. Something just isn’t right, but it’s hard to name. It makes you feel somehow set apart, disconnected, as if you’re not enjoying life as you should.

People who don’t have it don’t understand. But people who feel it know:

In many ways, emptiness or numbness is worse than pain. Many people have told me that they would far prefer to feel anything to nothing. It’s very hard to acknowledge, make sense of, or put words to something that is absent. Emptiness seems like nothing to most people. And nothing is nothing, neither bad nor good, right?

But in the case of a human being’s internal experience, nothing is definitely something. “Empty” is actually a feeling in and of itself. And I have discovered that it is a feeling that can be very intense and powerful. In fact, it has the power to drive people to do extreme things to escape it.

Empty is the “unfeeling” feeling. It’s the painful sense that some vital ingredient is missing from inside. I often have talked about the root cause of empty feelings: Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). But the type and depth of emptiness you feel is determined by the type and depth of CEN that you grew up with, plus some other parenting factors. Continue reading →

Avoid ‘overvaluing’ your child to prevent Narcissism

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image: brainwashingchildren.com

‘Overvaluing’ your child to prevent narcissism?  Now that’s an interesting topic.

If you want to avoid having narcissistic children, do not “overvalue” them. That is the take-home message of a new study from researchers at The Ohio State University in Columbus and the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

This article appeared on Medical News Today:

The researchers undertook the study in an effort to understand the origins of narcissism. They claim that theirs is the first prospective study to investigate how narcissism develops over time.

The team recruited 565 children in the Netherlands and their parents. The children were aged between 7 and 11 when the study began. Participants completed standardized psychological research surveys four times over the course of the study, with a 6-month interval between each survey.

In the surveys, the parents were asked to rate on a scale how much they agreed with statements such as “My child is a great example for other children to follow.”

The children and parents were both asked how much emotional warmth the parents showed, by rating the extent to which they agreed with statements such as “I let my child know I love him/her” or “My father/mother lets me know he/she loves me.”

The researchers were interested in distinguishing narcissism from self-esteem among the participants, and so the children were measured for both qualities.

“People with high self-esteem think they’re as good as others, whereas narcissists think they’re better than others,” says Brad Bushman, co-author of the study and professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State.

Continue reading →

The heavy cost of invalidation

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Emerging From The Dark Night

It has taken me many years to begin to get a handle on where my feelings of shame, confusion, second guessing and low self esteem come from.  I remember when I made it to addiction recovery for alcoholism, my Mother congratulated me but was quick to point out I was the only one with problems in the family (not true my elder sister had undergone psychotic episodes a few years before) and it was all down to me being in her words “difficult” and “a late maturer”.

I seem to have gone through my life with a huge backlog of grief over never really having my true self and feelings validated together with a huge impact of physical and emotional trauma from accidents and then the descent into addiction all in an attempt to cope.  As my therapist explained it this week.

You were like a human canon ball being…

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What about the Funeral? ~ When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies

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Yes, what about the funeral.  Are you expected to attend, expected to pay for costs, feel guilty and makes excuses for not attending?  It’s a crappy time for everyone.

My narcissistic mother is not in the picture anymore, however, if she passed away how would the funeral be handled?  (I’ve already answered that, but will keep my answer private).

Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well-written article:

One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when our abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we make an appearance at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial?  Should we send flowers? Should we offer our condolences- and if so, to whom?

To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family?  What kind of an act will we have to put on if people offer condolences to US?  How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss, when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about him?

See the remainder of this article at:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/655609

(reposted with editing)

Narcissistic Personality and Child Emotional Neglect

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Image: levo.com

This article in PsychCental.com talks about both (narcissism and neglect), and covers many instances in my life.  Written By  called “A Surprising Cause of Narcissism”.  To mention also, I’ve been the life of “Bill” in this article.

Marcy

Marcy is a bright and beautiful woman. She often says that her main goal in life is “to get to the top of the heap, and stay there.”  Marcy puts her all into everything she does, and doesn’t mind stepping on a few people on her way to the top. When she meets new people, she usually leads off with her accomplishments, which impresses some, but turns others off. Marcy has very little compassion for herself and very little for others. Her biggest, most carefully guarded secret fear: that she is actually a nothing.

Bill

Bill is living a life of contradiction. He is loved by many, but he feels unworthy of love. From the outside, his life appears full; on the inside, he feels empty. Bill does fine in his work, but he never feels successful enough. He has plenty of compassion for others, but little for himself. His biggest, most carefully guarded secret: that he is deeply, bafflingly different from everyone else; that he is deeply, bafflingly flawed.

Marcy has narcissistic personality disorder, and Bill is living with the effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). They seem so very different. What could these two personalities possibly have in common?

In many ways, people like Bill who grew up with CEN are the opposite of narcissistic.

Unlike narcissists, folks who grew up in households where their feelings are ignored (CEN) tend to be overly selfless. They have difficulty saying “no,” asking for help, and depending on others. Because they’re not aware enough of their own preferences and needs, they tend to go along too easily with other people’s needs and preferences. Continue reading →

31 Honest Answers to ‘How Are You?’

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I was hoping an article about this very subject would appear.  Whenever meeting someone for lunch, a colleague that I haven’t seen since 2011 or a gathering, I’m usually fumbling around for words.

This article appeared in The Mighty.com written by 

When someone asks, “How are you?” do you answer honestly?

This question is often thrown around as a casual greeting, so much so that we default to “I’m good!” or “I’m fine!” — even with our closest friends and family. And while we’re maybe less hesitant to open up about a stomach ache or that we’ve come down with the flu, our true emotional state can feel like a dirty secret — we don’t want to give it up.

So we asked our Mighty community — people who experience disability, disease, mental illness, parent children with special needs and more —  how they’re really doing. What we got was a collection of honest, inspiring and heartbreaking answers.

How are you? This lovely article continues @
http://themighty.com/2015/11/31-honest-answers-to-how-are-you/

Maternal Narcissism ~ Mom, I wish you could have said these words to me…

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Recalling my childhood, my mother seldom had any positive or encouraging words for me, mainly heartless or cruel remarks, only criticizing me for one thing or another spewed from her mouth.  She was continually displeased, and only now recognizing that it would be impossible to accomplish ever pleasing this woman.

I was thinking the other day, what words would myself and perhaps others wish their narcissistic moms compassionately said to them.

Mom, if only you could have said:

  • I know you don’t lie, of course I believe you
  • Always come to me when you’re upset or angry, I love you
  • I’ll always believe in you, whatever your dreams are
  • Let’s just have a girl’s day out once in a while, your choice, whatever you want
  • You look so cute in those clothes
  • Don’t focus on body image, it’s what’s inside
  • You’re more important to me than anything
  • I’m so proud of you.
  • I love reading your stories/artwork/playing games
  • You smell so nice and clean
  • Don’t always spend time in your bedroom, we should spend more time together
  • Your feelings matter, you have a right to your opinion, I’m not always right and remember, we all make mistakes
  • You look like something is bothering you, want to talk about it?
  • Let me take care of you when you’re so sick, how about hot tea? Or I’ll sit beside you or we’ll lay in bed together
  • Sure, have your friends over anytime, they are always welcome
  • You’re so precious to me, having a daughter is a blessing
  • Anything you want to ask me, go right ahead
  • I love the way you laugh
  • I’m sorry, it’s my fault, not yours/my mistake sorry I made you feel bad
  • You are worthy, don’t let anyone make you feel that you are not
  • Someone is going to be a lucky man to have you as his wife.

MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME?

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Mom, why did you have me?

A question I often ask
making no sense at all
for a woman so resentful and hateful

Bringing children into this world
as her own emotional punching bag
used for criticism and anger
against the daughter, who only craved for
a mother to love her

Mom, were you unhappy as a little girl?

I’m sorry if you were
but for you as my mother
you’ve damaged two lives now
that wonderful opportunity at a relationship with me
and my fantasy mom that I forever aspired you to be

I fantasized that we would bake cakes and chocolate chip cookies together,
perhaps getting flour over each other and laughing
Sewing, cooking, reading stories and joking
trying on your clothes, lipstick and shoes
going shopping like two girls together and giggling
but you seldom had patience for me and
I just appeared an annoyance in your eyes

your cruel words brought tears, unable to ever do anything right
starved of empathy and hugs, and hearing only critical remarks
sitting in my bedroom closet where there was peace and no yelling
I tried telling myself, why do I always make her so angry?
I ask once again

Mom, why did you have me?

~~ Deb

Narcissism ~~ Dear Mom, are you listening…

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For my Narcissistic mother.

It’s been two years since I’ve cut off ties with her, and although she treated me like crap, I still miss having a ‘mother‘.  In therapy, I’m working on the impact of how living as a daughter of a narcissist has affected my life.

Trust has been a huge problem for most of my life, starting in childhood.  Firstly trust was broken by the neighbor who sexually abused me, followed by both parents who refused to believe, thus making me apologize.  Learning to earn trust again with adults has taken years, mostly through therapy, after all, trust must be earned.

— Deb

 

What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

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There has been a secret you’ve been concealing, that’s most likely eating you up inside, however, you now have mustered enough courage to tell someone you trust.   It’s rough, you’re just a kid.

Protection and trust have already been shattered by your abuser; you just couldn’t take it anymore, now it’s time to receive compassion, tenderness and told you were so courageous for coming forward and that person will be punished.

It may perhaps have been very positive for you, you were believed, acknowledged, obtained love, affection, sorrow and apologies for this ever happening; possibly counselling.  You went on to recover with perhaps some difficulty, but you received support. Continue reading →

Cyberstalking or Stalking ~ which is worse?

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An article on Psychcentral.com writes about this very subject.

In a new study, researchers explored and compared the experiences of people who had been victims of stalking or cyberstalking (harassing or threatening via the Internet).  They found that victims of cyberstalking had to engage in more ‘self-protective’ behaviors, pay higher out-of-pocket costs to combat the problem, and experienced greater fear over time than traditional stalking victims.

Continue reading →

Please explain what PTSD is?

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I hunted through the internet searching for a clear definition of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).  Some sites described this disorder in such a brief manner even I struggled understand it, then other sites explained in such detail it was way over my head.  Discovering this site and link @ National Institute of Mental Health came closest to the definition for me.

What is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?

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