You are Forever Beautiful

This is one of my favorite quotes.  Wish we could all tell each other that.

You are all amazing survivors and warriors!


BINGE EATING DISORDER ~ Different from Anorexia and Bulimia

binge eating

I was searching for information on bingeing and came across this article on (, where they wrote that binge eating disorder is different from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.

It was stated that food addiction is not yet recognized as a mental disorder but certain obese individuals clearly display addictive-like behavior towards food.  To achieve a formal diagnostic status, ‘food addiction’ requires a stronger evidence base to support the claim that certain ingredients have addictive properties identical to addictive drugs of abuse.  This topic is up for debate in the session, ‘Binge eating obesity is a food addiction’.

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Why Was I A Disappointment?

Image source:


why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

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Women ~ We criticize ourselves 8 times per day? Why?

Health experts warn of dangerous trend as survey finds women self-criticise eight times a day

I’m guilty of this, perhaps not to the degree of eight times per day, but more than I would like.  When my eating disorder was at its worse a few years ago, I was fanatical with my body image, pausing in front of store windows, any type of mirror accessible, weighing myself two or three times per day.  I knew this wasn’t normal, but I was ill and anorexic.

While focusing on my body image at the Eating Disorder Program, I became more mindful about why this obsession was so essential to me, who was I striving to please and was I more contented now that I dropped all of the weight? 

No, I was fucking miserable now! Thinner, yet depressed. Who was I trying to please? My mother ~ I could never have pleased her anyways.  It was an eye-opener, yet it has taken years and I’m still in therapy trying to deal with the impact of her harsh abuse.  I have recovered from the eating disorder, yet I still have setbacks with “looking fat” and glancing in mirrors, but less often.  The lack of self-confidence/self-esteem I still struggle with and it still follows me.

An article appearing on written by Sophie Aubrey, (News Corp Australia Network) writes:

HEALTH experts warn women’s impulse to criticise their own bodies is dangerously intensifying after a new study found the average woman puts herself down at least eight times each day.

Social media has been blamed for driving a widespread increase in self-judgment as the survey of 2000 British women revealed one in seven were slagging themselves off frequently through the day. And many are berating themselves first thing in the morning, with half of those quizzed confessing to doing so by 9.30am.

Criticisms around appearance and weight are most prevalent, encompassing 13 of the 20 most common put-downs in the Weight Watchers study.

Being negative about one’s earnings, creativity and organisation skills, as well as deflecting compliments, also made the list.

Sydney psychologist and founder of Treat Yourself Well Louise Adams said women’s dissatisfaction with their looks acted like a constant nagging voice “from the minute they open our eyes and think about what they’re going to wear”. To make matters worse, most women were not even aware they were thinking such damaging thoughts, Ms Adams said.

“Lots of my clients are really familiar (with the narrative) but had never thought of it as self-judgment. They thought of it as the truth, and that’s really scary,” she said.

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Do You Hate Receiving Compliments?

I’m notorious for that, receiving a compliment yet responding with something negative.

Example:  I seldom run into any of my co-workers since I went on disability four years ago, and weight loss is noticeable.  Several that I have chatted with have complimented me for losing weight and looking terrific, yet my response is “yes, but I have to lose so much more”.  Everyone reacts with “Why?”.

This article was in

Most people like hearing praise but some people bristle when they hear compliments and others downright hate them. What is it that determines whether someone enjoys receiving compliments or whether they turn sour at the first hint of positive feedback?

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The topic of a TV show I watched last night, centered on what kids would do when put into a situation where someone was being bullied.  It was interesting; some felt uncomfortable yet didn’t want to speak up, a few spoke, another went to the person’s defense, another comforted the person being bullied.  You know what’s right, but would you defend that person being bullied in a situation that would involve you?

Image source:  cheeta-fire (polyvore)

Eating Disorders: Would you restrict food for this meal, just to be a model?

THIS POST WAS NOT INTENDED AS A JOKE.  My purpose was to show what lengths women will go, starving themselves, just to be a model.  Eating disorders such as anorexia are a slow way to death.

Who’s perfect?

I posted this fantastic video last year, and it’s one of my favorites.  Hope you will view it until the very end; it really sends a message. It brought tears to my eyes, yet huge smiles at the end when the models saw and were proud of their mannequin image.  We are all precious human beings despite our body image.   And who’s perfect?

Would you choose Beautiful?

This is another Dove PR experiment to observe how women see themselves.  What door would you choose – honestly?  Would you feel embarrassed choosing the door “beautiful” in front of other people, or do you honestly feel that door reflects you?  Why do you think most people have chosen ‘average’?

Gastric Sleeve vs. Lap Band Surgery ~ Which would be best for me?

I found this link explaining the difference between ‘Gastric Sleeve‘ vs. ‘Lap Band‘ surgery for weight loss.  This is on a commercial site for which I am NOT promoting, however, I thought it explains the surgeries in a clear manner.



Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a mental disorder characterized by a preoccupation with a defect in the person’s physical appearance. The defect is either imagined, or, if a slight physical anomaly is present, the individual’s concern is markedly excessive.

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Work burnout tied to “Emotional Eating” in women

Women who are fed up with their jobs may be more likely to turn to food for comfort in times of stress, according to a Finnish study.   The study, reported in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, found that those who reported work burnout were also more likely to have a habit of “emotional” eating, or eating when stressed, anxious or down, rather than just hungry.

What’s more, they were more prone to “uncontrolled” eating — the feeling that you’re always hungry or can’t stop eating until all the food’s gone.

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This is me, I have a Toxic Mother

Just as the quote says here, my mother is very toxic, and very narcissistic.  The huge thing with her was always my weight, she was forever critical of me for gaining any weight and concentrating on body image.  Also, what made me angry, when she met with my friends, they used to say “Deb, you have the most wonderful mother, wish mine was like yours”.  That’s a double hurt.

5 Crazy facts about weight loss

Please understand, I am not promoting weight loss surgery, I just found this interesting and thought you would too.  My 2 cents:  I would never have this done, however, others have been very successful.

Indoor Tanning: WARNING> That tan could be hazardous

Indoor tanning poses cancer risks ~ teenagers beware.  In an article posted in (New York today, they wrote about indoor tanning and cancer risks.

TEQUESTA, Fla. — On their way home from an SAT tutoring session, the Van Dresser twins, Alexandra and Samantha, 17, popped into Tan Fever & Spa, a small family-owned salon tucked into a strip mall between a bar and a supermarket.  They wanted to get tan before the prom, and the salon was the perfect combination of fast and cheap: Twenty minutes in a tanning bed cost just $7.

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Eating Disorders: Anorexia: Not eating? What’s the problem….

I used to think like that in my very, very obese days.  You would see women under 100 lbs, unwell, thin as a stick, in hospital, their parents troubled, and question, why don’t they just eat, what’s the problem, it doesn’t make sense and so simple to solve?  Eating Disorders, anorexia, bulimia and there are others.

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Who’s perfect?

I viewed this fantastic video while at the Eating Disorder programme and just wanted to share it.  It brought tears to my eyes, yet huge smiles at the end when the models saw and were proud of their mannequin image.  We are all human beings despite our body image.


I gave it my all, however, I ‘threw in the towel’ so to speak at the 4th week point of the 12 week Day Eating Disorder Treatment Programme.  It was demanding and rough on this old gal, a true commitment and not for the weak.

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Anorexia: Day Treatment


As you’ve perhaps noticed, I haven’t posted much on my blog lately.   The Eating Disorder Program is consuming most of my time and the next step is the Day Treatment Program entailing an intense 12 weeks as I really begin my recovery from this ED crap.  I have decided to go the inpatient route and move in next week, so my blog will be on “suspend” for awhile.   They do have computer access, however, posting from somewhere other than home I may find difficult but will still be able to keep in contact.  Till then…





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That’s right ~ my scale.  The metal thing, the one with the dial and numbers that has controlled my life for too long.

Didn’t seem to matter what the weather was, a beautiful warm sunny day, with the birds chirping outside, but that number shifting up instead of down sets the tone for the day and at times makes me believe I am  worthless and such a failure. I realize life shouldn’t be this way; yet it has been.

So this morning, as with every morning, I hopped on the scale and I was up 3 pounds.  I fell to my knees, so distraught and began to cry.  Then I thought, this is not the way to live.  Hubby just looked at me, and I said “hide this fucking thing, I don’t want to look at it anymore”.  And he did.

~~~ Deb

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I believe I have a love/hate relationship with my scale; sounds bizarre doesn’t it.  I depend on this ridiculous thing in the morning, which allows me to feel wonderful for the day or worthless and a failure.  I’d honestly wish to throw it out the window, yet I can’t, it’s become an addiction to weigh in every morning.  Mind-boggling how an object made of metal with a dial and numbers can take control of your life.

Still struggling with this eating disorder, and I suppose you could say…”You really have an eating disorder when your scale is…..”

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In November 2012, I had slimmed myself down to 185 pounds. I hadn’t been that low since my 20’s. Mental illness, namely depression that I have dealt with for decades, now reared its ugly head and caused difficulties with my personal and work life.  I had years where I was hospitalized on and off, and now found myself repeating this with an admission to hospital on the psychiatric wing in March of 2012.

I lost some weight prior to the hospitalization, and then quite a bit throughout the 3 ½ week stay, and managed to keep it off; remaining at 185, but then disaster struck…


YES, the extra-large SAUSAGE/HAM/GREEN PEPPER/ONION/BLACK OLIVE/EXTRA CHEESE pizza started the ball rolling into gallbladder hell…

My whole gallbladder story is a nightmare.  I had my first attack on Nov 19, 2012 (didn’t know it was my gallbladder, in fact didn’t know where the gallbladder was in my body, but soon found out).  That pain was the worst pain I have ever experienced, a rush to the emergency, and they were going to perform emergency surgery, however, after extensive tests (CT scans, ultrasound, x-rays), decided to wait until things settled down and sent me home.  Two days later, another attack.  Identical story, further tests, blah, blah, blah…but this time they admitted me where I was on  a heavy course of IV antibiotics for a week, and then sent home.  All was settled in the pain department.  I was warned:  No fried food and no rich desserts.

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