MOM, YOU’RE STILL TOXIC & YOU’LL NEVER CHANGE

Who was I kidding, reuniting again with my mother.  I should have left things alone after no communication for three years, but no I had these grand ideas in May of this year of reconciling.  How many times have I attempted to make it work before? Three, perhaps four?  I’ve never truly had this woman’s tenderness or support for fifty some odd years, and it ‘aint ever going to happen.

Why can’t I get this through my thick skull and I allow myself to be disillusioned repeatedly?  But, was craving for parents, namely a mother who truly loved me instead of criticizing and showing my brother the same affection that I deserved, too much to ask for?  I don’t think it was.

You constantly told me to lose weight, criticized me too many times, making me feel worthless and sub-par.  I lost weight when you saw me this May, I thought you’d be so proud of me and things would be different; guess it didn’t matter.

But mom, you surpassed yourself this time, with selfish words again, and presented the “toxic mother” that you are, sent in reply to an e-mail a few days ago.

Continue reading “MOM, YOU’RE STILL TOXIC & YOU’LL NEVER CHANGE”

Always The Fat Girl

In 1997 my weight ballooned to 285 lbs.  That was the heaviest I had ever been, and the reason I recall that number is….my vacation to Disneyworld in Florida.

It was a humiliating situation, to say the least, and one I will never forget; too portly to enjoy.  For one, I couldn’t schlep my enormous girth up onto the horse Carousel, and that not being the worst, the long, arduous wait to experience the “Space Mountain” roller coaster ended in a calamity.  Hubby and I squeezed ourselves in, but there was no way I could do the seatbelt up; no way that sucker would clasp, so we were booted off of the ride.  And that was that.  I felt so miserable and it certainly put a damper on the entire trip. I vowed under no circumstances to be that hefty again and never was, but certainly, I wasn’t all that slimmer.

I have forever been the 200+ lb. girl for most of my adult life; the one who always shop in the plus-sized section, loathed visiting the doctor’s office for fear of getting weighed and knowing how much my weight increased. My weight usually fluctuated between 220-230 lbs.  Also, I was and of course, the yo-yo dieter.  The unsuccessful diets throughout the years, losing then gaining back extra.  I failed to ever reach that my magic goal weight (180 for some reason), therefore, constantly considered myself a failure.

Really, at age 56, I faced the fact that I’m fat, will probably remain fat and that’s all there is to it.  My clothes were always clean and neat, and strived to look as good as possible, but that fantasy of being thinner or even the thought of being thin was so far away that it was….just a dream.  An unattainable dream…until I became very ill….

To be continued…..See “THE GALLBLADDER FROM HELL

Written by:  Deb

THE GALLBLADDER FROM HELL

In November 2012, I had slimmed myself down to 185 pounds. I hadn’t been that low since my 20’s. Mental illness, namely depression that I have dealt with for decades, now reared its ugly head and caused difficulties with my personal and work life.  I had years where I was hospitalized on and off, and now found myself repeating this with an admission to hospital on the psychiatric wing in March of 2012.

I lost some weight prior to the hospitalization, and then quite a bit throughout the 3 ½ week stay, and managed to keep it off; remaining at 185, but then disaster struck…

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YES, the extra-large SAUSAGE/HAM/GREEN PEPPER/ONION/BLACK OLIVE/EXTRA CHEESE pizza started the ball rolling into gallbladder hell…

My whole gallbladder story is a nightmare.  I had my first attack on Nov 19, 2012 (didn’t know it was my gallbladder, in fact didn’t know where the gallbladder was in my body, but soon found out).  That pain was the worst pain I have ever experienced, a rush to the emergency, and they were going to perform emergency surgery, however, after extensive tests (CT scans, ultrasound, x-rays), decided to wait until things settled down and sent me home.  Two days later, another attack.  Identical story, further tests, blah, blah, blah…but this time they admitted me where I was on  a heavy course of IV antibiotics for a week, and then sent home.  All was settled in the pain department.  I was warned:  No fried food and no rich desserts.

Continue reading “THE GALLBLADDER FROM HELL”