Am I being punished for having Depression?

Rummaging through my unorganized closet, I came across an article I wrote during my years in the hospital fighting depression. A roommate during my stay, whom I became close friends with, recalled her descent into hellish depression, as well as her suicide attempt. She gave me permission to write this article (excluding her name).

Dreaming. In tranquil waters. I’m sitting in my dinghy cross-legged, floating. The sea and sky are black.

I awaken. Black. Black is black. The room is black, but it must be morning. I’m all mixed up. I thought I heard the food trays arrive. I sneak a quick look out my room, and yes it is morning, but the halls also look black. All I sense is dread. Am I in a dream world? I shuffle back to bed.

I recollect particular events, my hospital admission for one. My family expressed they had no alternative, I was incoherent, seated in my rocking chair, rocking back and forth, back and forth, tightly wrapped in my orange and lime-green crocheted afghan. I hadn’t called anyone for days, nor answered the telephone. They were apprehensive upon entering the house. Phew! Just in time. I was alive they said.

Time passes and I am unable to actually climb out of bed now; I’m encased in cold stone. My heart is thumping so I must be alive, but this dreadful veil covers me like death. I feel chilly. Suicidal thoughts continually dance in my head. Is this punishment for my depression? Life is unfair. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I’m confused.

**I was discharged before her, and it was forbidden to visit former patients, so I’m unsure of her outcome. I hope she recovered, stayed strong and had the courage to create a beautiful life.

Written and copyrighted Deb McCarthy 2017


10 thoughts on “Am I being punished for having Depression?

  1. amybelle1

    What a beautiful post.That’s such a shame that you weren’t allowed to visit her. In the hospital I stayed at I met my best friend and continued to visit her and this was allowed. These visits provided her with lots of supports and for myself as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, so happy you able to visit with your friend after discharge. You become close friends as they are people you can really open up to and share experiences with, and are the only ones you will meet that don’t judge what has happened or what you have done in your past. It’s hard for other people, even close friends to understand. Know the feeling? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. amybelle1

        Thanks for your reply. Yes I completely know the feeling. It is hard to explain how you are feeling if that person hasn’t experience the same feeling as you. It’s almost like talking to a brick wall.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wanted to say it is beautiful, but I am not sure if that is the right word to use. So I will go with that you touched my heart and made my tears collect in my eye corners. And I hope sincerely that she is alright.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Deb, NEVER. But it does feel that way that’s true. It isn’t true though. If you were that would mean whomever was punishing you (God/Karma/Fate/other people) were SADISTS and whilst we both know sadists exist, no karmic consequence would include one. Depression does make you feel that way though so true

    Liked by 1 person

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