Depression: Planning my Escape

Attending a party when you feel like crap? Imagine planning your escape the moment you walk in?

Envision feeling lonely when you are actually with people; with friends, celebrating a birthday party at someone’s house. You experience emptiness. The room is filled with chatter and laughter, yet you are seated; numb.

Depression is lonely. Curled up in a ball – lonely.

This actually happened to me. I was pretty much forced to attend a birthday party, and although I resisted, I soon surrendered due to the fact that it was for a dear friend and I was absent from all other celebrations throughout the past year.

Seated in a Lazy-Boy for part of the evening, I held tightly onto a diet Coke. I thought it polite to rise and finally mingle; show a smile, pretend to enjoy the evening, yet the feeling of hollowness was debilitating. Laughter echoed.

For the majority of the year, I had been in the hospital more than out. Depression was black; I felt as if I was literally dumped into a black hole and left for dead. It was stated there was light up at the top of this hole, yet I was forever waiting to witness any.

Small talk was exchanged. The majority of the people at this gathering did not know me; a relief to say the least. I escaped having to share stories of my new life; in the hospital. A life filled with doctors, nurses, medications; lonesome times, seated cross-legged in my hospital room corner daily, attempting to make sense out of anything.

My mind drifted too much throughout the minor conversations, and I started feeling too many emotions; nothingness, an empty space. Why was everything so dark, and gloomy?

I just had to escape from this gathering and head home. Apologizing to my friend for my lifeless presence, she looked at me with sadness and hugged me. Strangely, I was lonely yet preferred to be alone. This was bewildering to even me.

“Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat. It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless. Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, one is completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming. It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence. Life tastes sour”.   —– Deb

It took years to recover from major depression, which persisted from the mid ’90′s to around 2002. Those years comprised of many more hospitalizations and ultimately becoming medication resistant. ECT’s these psychiatrists believed were my only remedy, proved wrong and had a zilch effect; only leaving me with long-term memory loss.

A new psychiatrist was in the wings, put me on the correct meds and I actually returned to the work force a few years later. Enduring 6 years with this company, I succumbed to depression once again, forced to go on disability and presently unemployed. Although I’m seldom in that black hole, I can continue with my passion, which is writing and blogging.

The loneliness, though, I feel it currently but I will never forget, and never desire to feel that hollow sense again; the almost frightening sense, and the feeling of despair.

Written and copyrighted by: Deb McCarthy/2017

Also posted on my other blog

13 thoughts on “Depression: Planning my Escape

  1. Blerg. I hate how accurate this post is. I constantly plan my escapes. Hell, I plan my excuses. “Marty and I scheduled coffee for Thursday. What can I post on Facebook on Wednesday that convinces her I really am sick, so I can cancel on her Wednesday night?” I actually do that! I craft this lie of a life so my friends will believe me when I cancel for various reasons (being sick, the dog being sick, my husband’s work, etc.). It’s embarrassing and emotionally wrecking.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I could relate very well to how you felt. Married and surrounded by my two daughters and grandchildren, I felt incredibly lonely. I think it is because no one “gets” you. No one understands and also you don’t want to shock and horrify everyone with your thoughts of suicide and wishing you were dead and hating life.

    I did talk with my poor husband about my feelings. I went to therapy many times. Sometimes the depression would lift, especially when we were on vacation. I actually felt happy and never wanted to go home. Home meant worrying about everyone. Home meant facing the past and the abuse I went through. I know you were abused too.

    Child abuse ruins a person’s life, in a way, and yet would I be a compassionate person and would I have felt a need for God if I hadn’t been abused? I have no idea. I do know my father’s family was full of pride and self-confidence. They were abusers. They were all so arrogant.

    God turned that all around with us kids. Almost all of these people’s children became Christians. Two committed suicide, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t saved. God understands.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for sharing. I agree with you about being more compassionate and that is the positive part of sinking so deep into depression, having to be hospitalized countless times and years of therapy. By that I mean, I wouldn’t have known about this cruel illness, wouldn’t have met the many people that I became friends with in the hospital and sharing their life stories also, wouldn’t have learned about mental illness stigma and wouldn’t have started this wonderful blog and meeting precious bloggers such as yourself. Unfortunately, there are too many negatives.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. nathaswami

    Contact your boyhood friends. Visit ancestral villages. Have young people for company. Learn a new trick – language, trade. Take up a challenging job.


      1. Pft. Obviously not. How rude and unsympathetic. Delete that stupid ass comment.
        Anyway….that aside. I am so glad you nolonger feel the hollowness. That is a huge victory right there. I’m a bit in the pit of that right now and hoping to soon pull out. I’m so glad you found what worked that helped you. Loneliness is a step away from despair thankfully. Right now I am a bit in despair. Sorry, ddn’t mean to make this about me! I actually wanted to validate how brave you are to speak the truth and share it with others so that we don’t feel like we are walking this alone.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Actually, I’m keeping the comment as it proves and illustrates the ignorant people out there and that’s why there is mental illness stigma. I was also waiting for a reply! If there was profanity in his question it would be deleted.

          Depression definitely equals loneliness. Canceling outings is a disappointment to people, yet sitting in a situation with people is agonizing. Thanks for your kind words and commenting. 🙂


          1. bethanyk

            I so can relate to what you go through. So so so so can relate. Just to step out the door is so stressful and yet being here is so lonely.
            I see why you kept the comment. Perfect example of ignorance

            Liked by 1 person

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