Attending a party when you feel like crap? Imagine planning your escape the moment you walk in?
Envision feeling lonely when you are actually with people; with friends, celebrating a birthday party at someone’s house. You experience emptiness. The room is filled with chatter and laughter, yet you are seated; numb.
Depression is lonely. Curled up in a ball – lonely.
This actually happened to me. I was pretty much forced to attend a birthday party, and although I resisted, I soon surrendered due to the fact that it was for a dear friend and I was absent from all other celebrations throughout the past year.
Seated in a Lazy-Boy for part of the evening, I held tightly onto a diet Coke. I thought it polite to rise and finally mingle; show a smile, pretend to enjoy the evening, yet the feeling of hollowness was debilitating. Laughter echoed.
For the majority of the year, I had been in the hospital more than out. Depression was black; I felt as if I was literally dumped into a black hole and left for dead. It was stated there was light up at the top of this hole, yet I was forever waiting to witness any.
Small talk was exchanged. The majority of the people at this gathering did not know me; a relief to say the least. I escaped having to share stories of my new life; in the hospital. A life filled with doctors, nurses, medications; lonesome times, seated cross-legged in my hospital room corner daily, attempting to make sense out of anything.
My mind drifted too much throughout the minor conversations, and I started feeling too many emotions; nothingness, an empty space. Why was everything so dark, and gloomy?
I just had to escape from this gathering and head home. Apologizing to my friend for my lifeless presence, she looked at me with sadness and hugged me. Strangely, I was lonely yet preferred to be alone. This was bewildering to even me.
“Depression, best known of all the mental illnesses, is difficult to endure and treat. It renders one feeling hopeless and helpless. Experiencing a sort of wintry solitude, one is completely immobilized with any light of optimism dimming. It creates emotional and financial fallout, coupled with a horrible emptiness and black death-like existence. Life tastes sour”. —– Deb
It took years to recover from major depression, which persisted from the mid ’90′s to around 2002. Those years comprised of many more hospitalizations and ultimately becoming medication resistant. ECT’s these psychiatrists believed were my only remedy, proved wrong and had a zilch effect; only leaving me with long-term memory loss.
A new psychiatrist was in the wings, put me on the correct meds and I actually returned to the work force a few years later. Enduring 6 years with this company, I succumbed to depression once again, forced to go on disability and presently unemployed. Although I’m seldom in that black hole, I can continue with my passion, which is writing and blogging.
The loneliness, though, I feel it currently but I will never forget, and never desire to feel that hollow sense again; the almost frightening sense, and the feeling of despair.
Written and copyrighted by: Deb McCarthy/2017
Also posted on my other blog https://niume.com/pages/post/?postID=62849