Why Was I A Disappointment?

Image source: differentdream.com

WHY WAS I A DISAPPOINTMENT?

why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

painful reminders daily of him next door
as we played in the front and backyard
there was nobody to help with the sadness
as a child is was incredibly hard

I tried my best to please you
to smile even though I was in pain
get good grades and mind my manners in public
but at home, I just felt the shame

to the neighbors, we looked like a happy family
and that was most important to you
even though someone hurt me so horribly
I kept a secret that destroyed me not you

growing up was just as painful for me
criticism doesn’t show love and care
every day must you harp on my appearance
nothing pleases you, it just isn’t fair

I was never allowed to show feelings
and then suddenly I became so aware
of the flashbacks, nightmares and fears
the little girl inside me was there

it took years to know it wasn’t my fault
and I do feel hate and resentment
you felt embarrassment and sorrow for the neighbour
but to your daughter, you felt such disappointment

~~~~Deb

(repost)

18 thoughts on “Why Was I A Disappointment?

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m so very sorry for all the hurt you went through at the hands of that neighbour. You shouldnt have been made to feel like you were a disappointment, you arent to blame, it was not your fault. XX

    Like

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