Depression: Am I here in this black hole forever? Huh?

I used to ask myself, almost every day throughout my depressive illness; is this it?  Does it get ever any better?  Am I stuck here in this black hole forever?

Sounds pessimistic, but my history of recurring hospital admissions and medications that were ineffective, coupled with suicide attempts and unrelenting depression, didn’t illustrate a positive picture.  At separate hospital admissions, I was frequently greeted by the same bed, same patients and same nurses who precisely dispensed my medications.  Many years ago, hospitalization was a sort of an incarcerated life; that of daily rituals, set meal times, social activities, lights out at 11:30 pm, and scheduled visits from visitors.   Finally, discharge, after serving my “time”, which meant adjusting to home life all over again.

With zilch changing; I’m asking “is this as good as life gets?”

It’s both upsetting and scary, no one should ever have to endure this type of life, and depression, for me, proved a dreadful existence.  After spending months in the hospital, I would continually sense that I was one footstep away from hospital waters every waking day.  Continuously, just a step away from hell; surviving only on the surface.

I’ve broken free from the jaws of major depression to a degree, but now have undertaken the next chapter of managing this depression, remaining in therapy to expose the unresolved past triggering PTSD (both sexual and emotional abuse) and the control of feeling overwhelmed at times.

Yes, indeed, although I am not consumed with dark depression and suicidal pain presently, I now must mesh with people and their mental illness stigma.

Depression tears your life into bits of paper.  At different stages, I had to slowly paste them back together again.  It’s a very difficult life we live with mental illness, and all of us should be congratulated and pat ourselves on the back for what we have accomplished.  But to answer the question:  Does it get better?  Yes, it does, but it’s not without sweat on the brow and a continuous daily struggle.  You have to remain strong also and believe in yourself.

~~~~ Deb

 

13 thoughts on “Depression: Am I here in this black hole forever? Huh?

  1. sarahcb1993 says:

    That line “is this as good as life gets?” That went through my head day in and day out. I would be walking down the street and think “Is this it…is this really all life is?” and other times when I’d wake up in the morning and go downstairs (just to try and be a real human) ALL I could think was “so..this really is it. how do people do this every day?” but it IS possible to be one of those people. Obviously not at first, and obviously not overnight, but little by little bits of you come back and you start to remember who you were before you got sick. and just those pieces of yourself make you want to find more and well, i found that to be a big motivation for me. just to find who i was again.

    Like

  2. thefeatheredsleep says:

    I know. I feel it’s hard to say more than I know. But you know you are not alone . That you count. That you matter. I care. I send you love and light♡

    Like

  3. DaisyWillows says:

    Unfortunately as the decades go by the stigma stays. The best thing to do is keep talking and writing about it. Refuse to stop voicing what everyone has has MH and with that comes all sorts of MH issues- good and bad

    Like

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