I used to ask myself, almost every day throughout my depressive illness; is this it? Does it get ever any better? Am I stuck here in this black hole forever?
Sounds pessimistic, but my history of recurring hospital admissions and medications that were ineffective, coupled with suicide attempts and unrelenting depression, didn’t illustrate a positive picture. At separate hospital admissions, I was frequently greeted by the same bed, same patients and same nurses who precisely dispensed my medications. Many years ago, hospitalization was a sort of an incarcerated life; that of daily rituals, set meal times, social activities, lights out at 11:30 pm, and scheduled visits from visitors. Finally, discharge, after serving my “time”, which meant adjusting to home life all over again.
With zilch changing; I’m asking “is this as good as life gets?”
It’s both upsetting and scary, no one should ever have to endure this type of life, and depression, for me, proved a dreadful existence. After spending months in the hospital, I would continually sense that I was one footstep away from hospital waters every waking day. Continuously, just a step away from hell; surviving only on the surface.
I’ve broken free from the jaws of major depression to a degree, but now have undertaken the next chapter of managing this depression, remaining in therapy to expose the unresolved past triggering PTSD (both sexual and emotional abuse) and the control of feeling overwhelmed at times.
Yes, indeed, although I am not consumed with dark depression and suicidal pain presently, I now must mesh with people and their mental illness stigma.
Depression tears your life into bits of paper. At different stages, I had to slowly paste them back together again. It’s a very difficult life we live with mental illness, and all of us should be congratulated and pat ourselves on the back for what we have accomplished. But to answer the question: Does it get better? Yes, it does, but it’s not without sweat on the brow and a continuous daily struggle. You have to remain strong also and believe in yourself.