If My Narcissistic Mother Came Crawling Back, Do I Owe Her Anything?

I really enjoyed reading this article today titled “The Debt” in which it asked just that, do we owe parents who have abused us during our lives anything when we are adults?

See article @  Slate.com written by Emily Yoffe “The Debt”  When terrible, abusive parents come crawling back, what do their grown children owe them?

For me, I positively don’t owe my mother anything.  Here is the woman who spewed out vicious words, ignored me, displayed rare empathy, criticized, ranted, raved, and left me feeling worthless and undervalued.

My father passed away in 2012 and I (the scapegoat) only have one sibling (my brother, the golden child).

Our last conversation(s) were similar to this:

“Deb, since your dad died it’s been really lonely, I have no friends and have to do everything by myself.  You have a husband there all of the time to help you, I have no one.  It’s really depressing, all alone in the apartment with nothing to do but watch TV.  Your brother is always there if I need him, but you never seem to come over very often.  I know you don’t have the car much and I said I could drive you to appointments or to the mall, but you always say you take the bus.  We are family and we should do things for each other.”

She wants, and needs me now, yet she hasn’t changed her narcissistic personality at all, and most likely never will.  She can’t have me now, it’s too late mom you blew it.


13 thoughts on “If My Narcissistic Mother Came Crawling Back, Do I Owe Her Anything?

  1. helenedivan says:

    Dear Deb,
    You are really right! I did the same with my toxic mother.. I put a “security distance” with her (cf “toxic parents” from Susan Forward) and I feel much better since then… Sometimes, she tries to make me feel guilty but I do not give up and I am right!


    • cherished79 says:

      She will always make you feel guilty because that’s the only way she knows how to function. I put forth so much effort to get my mum to ‘love’ me and it just didn’t work, always my fault, I was always the cause for the break-up and distance. I now realize it was a lose-lose situation and nothing would ever please this woman. I’m so happy I broke off ties and don’t have to look at the phoney smiles from her. Deb XX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. lynettedavis says:

    I really enjoyed reading this article. Thank you for sharing it. It’s good to see conversations like this. It’s interesting how some abusive parents get amnesia when they hit a certain age and want their adult children to fulfil an obligation to them that they, themselves, refused to fulfil to their children. That would be like going to the bank to make a withdrawal, even though they’ve never made any deposits. Do they really think the bank is just going to fork over the money? Maybe it’s just me, but that’s what I call crazy thinking.


    • cherished79 says:

      Good comparison. I truly believe, they believe, they are owed something for bringing us up. Guess it’s payback time regardless what happened over the years even if it was pure hell.


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