MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME?

Mom, why did you have me?

A question I often ask
making no sense at all
for a woman so resentful and hateful

Bringing children into this world
as her own emotional punching bag
used for criticism and anger
against the daughter, who only craved for
a mother to love her

Mom, were you unhappy as a little girl?

I’m sorry if you were
but for you as my mother
you’ve damaged two lives now
that wonderful opportunity at a relationship with me
and my fantasy mom that I forever aspired you to be

I fantasized that we would bake cakes and chocolate chip cookies together,
perhaps getting flour over each other and laughing
Sewing, cooking, reading stories and joking
trying on your clothes, lipstick and shoes
going shopping like two girls together and giggling
but you seldom had patience for me and
I just appeared an annoyance in your eyes

your cruel words brought tears, unable to ever do anything right
starved of empathy and hugs, and hearing only critical remarks
sitting in my bedroom closet where there was peace and no yelling
I tried telling myself, why do I always make her so angry?
I ask once again

Mom, why did you have me?

~~ Deb

15 thoughts on “MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME?

  1. thank you! and same to you.
    overcoming does take courage. I get so tired from the struggle of this journey, & some days I just want to give up but I know in my spirit I AM stronger than that. (hugs)
    💪 still surviving💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jae Hamilton

    Sadly I can truly understand this. It’s really unfair to give your love unconditionally and receive nothing but pain and occasional meaningless apologies. As time has gone by she has seen the damage that was done and tries so hard to make it better but I won’t forget. I can’t forget. But she insists she’s better so how can I hold on to it? How could I let go when I still get yelled at for simple things. Despite the trauma I try to be there. Force myself to visit once a week. While you’re growing your mother is supposed to be your hero. I just never felt that. I will always love her but that wall just won’t come down.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The fact is, even over time and into her old age, she will never change. She’s unable to change, show empathy, doesn’t have it in her. I know, I just gave up trying to please, just hitting a brick wall every time with me getting hurt and her none the worse. Stay strong and we’ll beat this hurt and pain. hugs, Deb

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This is such a crushingly beautiful poem. But the heartache! how does one move on with no guilt or regret? And yet you’re right. Mercifully, in the end, life will work itself out. Blessings to you and a brand new life this 2016.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, it’s been tough to move on, and each time there was a reconciliation in the past I would be excited that this would be the one where I could have a mother again. But, I would do something that “displeased her” and it was ‘cut-off’ time on her part and the whole sadness and questioning what I had done would start all over again. Finally, I just had enough and put an end to my misery so I can breathe.

      Thanks so much for caring. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. A rollercoaster emotional life isn’t much of a life, is it? You’re an incredibly strong woman. Keep building up, you already have what it takes in spades!

        Like

          1. You’re most welcome. I realize it’s not easy for you. But surely in good time, the burden gets lighter, the awful memories blur, and then…..voilà…free at last😊

            Like

  4. SHUTTHATNEGATIVENOISEOFF!

    I don’t pretend to know your pain but I do know the hard times I had with my daughter. I had to be a mother and father. I stressed alot but did my best giving her all my free time outside of school and work.
    Ask your mom what is hurting her that she hurts you in the process. Your mom is in pain, she might need help. Talk and love her through it. God creates miracles and can restore any relationship.
    Abundant blessings ,Emma

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment and caring. I tried to reconcile the relationship with my mother too many times, yet every time I disappointed her over the slightest action, she would cut me off, usually sending me a cruel letter and wouldn’t speak to me for years. Our last reconciliation was truly upsetting as she showed her narcissistic personality once again, so I had to make the decision, do I want to be healthy or live with crap by this miserable, unempathetic woman who made my life miserable? I chose to cut-off ties. I can finally breathe now. It’s not easy to give up a ‘mom’, yet it’s better not to have a cruel mom either.

      Hugs, Deb

      Liked by 3 people

      1. SHUTTHATNEGATIVENOISEOFF!

        I’m thrilled to hear you feel better, that should always be number 1 on your list.

        As for your mom, just pray for her. I pray for my daughter and the World daily. I’m a evangelist lifecoach.

        Hugs, Emma

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know EXACTLY where you are on this awful ‘curse’ with the “mr” side of my being. .
        it’s the sadest & cruelest experience ANY child could go through. this is where the ‘letting go’ part gets so painful..
        how do you let go of whats part of you??
        someday I shall understand why but until then all we can do is cope. it is what it is..
        being forced into grieving the living is hell on the heart especially when it’s a parent & you’re that child..

        Like

        1. True, the word is coping and trying to heal from the abuse. I’ve been in therapy for a number of years and I’m still trying to heal. Years of pain, guilt, always wondering why you feel like you’re a failure, emotions and thoughts aren’t easy to ‘get over’. Healing takes time, don’t be hard on yourself, it also takes courage. Best to you, you’re stronger than you think. hugs, Deb

          Liked by 1 person

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