Suicidal feelings ~ mesmerizing

“The mesmerizing feelings attached to suicidal thinking, at least for me, are the ones who got me into trouble. Life became so miserable and “suicide” was in my back pocket ready at any moment just in case. It really became a habit of such and I had to break that habit. This is not to say that I don’t think of ‘ending it’; sometimes letting my mind wander into white, fluffy clouds – no pressure of life anymore – but I can’t let “S” win”.  by Deb ~ “Living in Stigma”

6 thoughts on “Suicidal feelings ~ mesmerizing

  1. bp7o9 says:

    I’ve found myself stating the old ‘I should just kill myself’ even when that’s not really where my head is at, so I guess that’s just my habit?! Never thought of it that way; always saw it more as a default setting than a habit.

    Like

    • cherished79 says:

      True, it could be a default, something to fall back on, perhaps a security knowing you have a way out of this crap if pushed to the limit. Suicidal thinking is difficult to explain, and at times I don’t even understand it?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. La Quemada says:

    I can relate to this. I also think that it can become a habit, when I’ve been depressed for a long time, to think about suicide too much, to kind of get stuck on that thinking, which can interfere with getting better. At one point I made a promise to myself that “no matter how bad I feel I will not do it,” primarily because of the legacy of pain it would leave my children. This doesn’t mean I never think about it anymore, but I think I get less stuck on the idea.

    How are you doing? Are you thinking about suicide a lot? Are you ok?

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    • cherished79 says:

      Thank you and yes, I’m ok as this happened years ago and my views have changed. You are so right about the ‘habit’. I became friends with this woman in the hospital and all we talked about was depression and suicide, nothing else, just ending our lives. I got to the point where I didn’t even want my husband to visit because I just wanted to die and couldn’t foresee any kind of future, therefore, not interested in talking to anyone but her and suicide. We actually had a suicide pact, making plans when we were both discharged from hospital. Long story short, I finally started to recover, and, well I’m still here and can’t say I don’t think about it sometimes but just for a fleeting moment. I’m glad I chose to live. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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