Great, now the Police are at my door!

Dialing the Distress Center, speaking what seemed like forever with a counselor about my obsessive suicidal feelings and depression, then abruptly hanging up was a terrible idea.  Thoughts danced in my head for days, dreaming and planning of ways to kill myself, yet I still reached out for help.  The counselor’s voice was grating on my nerves, we weren’t making progress, so didn’t want to talk to this chick anymore.

Then a loud rap at my door, “Police”.  A male and female officer are standing on my front veranda, asking if I’m ok and can they talk to me.  Me?  Why me?  Why the police?

They clarified the Distress Center’s “phone hang-up” policy, so had no alternative but to call police.  I was ‘distressed’ to say the least, and the cops weren’t buying my story that I will be ‘ok’ now.

Neighbours, who as a rule don’t walk their dogs, now saunter by the police car peering in, along with other neighbours peeking through window blinds and curtains.  The back seat of this cruiser is larger than I expected, however, I am seated with my mind in a muddle, confused, uncertain of the future yet despising the present.

Both officers chat quietly in police jargon, waiting to hear what hospital destination they are taking me. Suddenly, a call is received and I’m on my way to the hospital.  The drive is a speedy drive, yet for me, a lengthy one.

A time to reflect… a time to sob…. a time to sit in wonderment.  In the back of a cruiser – how can this be?  Punishment?  I’ve never committed a crime in my life.  Will I go before a judge; am I to be sentenced and charged for suicidal ‘thinking’ and (to some) selfishly wishing to end my life?

I arrive.  This hospital is ‘incarceration’, better known as the city’s “psych” hospital.

**My hospital stay was almost one month, I wasn’t suicidal when discharged yet still depressed, and relieved to be home.  Days of making fridge magnets and bird houses are now long forgotten.

8 thoughts on “Great, now the Police are at my door!

  1. rootstoblossom says:

    Thanks for sharing this moment and your thoughts. It must have been confusing and shocking to have them show up, and it sounds like you felt judged by the neighbors too I would have. I would have been terrified, thinking I had done something terribly wrong using the phone service to talk to someone and ending up in the back of a cruiser. And I understand what you mean about to some, suicide seems selfish. I try to understand that those people have never felt the pain of truly wishing to die, so they can’t understand, and I don’t want them to understand, don’t wish it on anyone. Much love to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • cherished79 says:

      Thank you for those soothing words. They were very sad times, and I hesitated to call the help line, and to make matters worse, my husband was at work and arrived home when the police were inside talking with me. He agreed totally to take me to hospital, I begged, but he and cops won.
      You have to be in a black place with no hope when you are thinking and planning your death, and as you said, people don’t understand and aren’t inside your head to know how helpless you feel. People shy away from the topic of suicide, it’s not life or a future, yet they must understand if everything was going so well with that person why would they wish to die? 🙂

      Like

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    It can be a rough experience. I took my wife to the hospital after her suicide attempt (pills), the Doctor there ‘Baker Acted’ my wife, which committed her to a psych facility for 72 hours. Luckily she had improved enough for me to be able to pick her up after the 72 hour mandatory hold. It was a long road after that!

    Like

    • cherished79 says:

      It’s devastating for all, and I never realized the toll it took on my husband until years later. It wasn’t just that call, it was other attempts as well, (no police) and I think back to how frightened he must have been with me in the hospital constantly. He sure stuck by me though, took our wedding vows seriously ‘in sickness and in health’, and it seems so long ago when I was in that tortuous mess. Thanks for being such a support to your wife, you are special also Vic.

      Liked by 1 person

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