Honey, do we have to go?

That’s the question I would raise each time hubby would announce a company function or get together with his group from work.  I was fighting never-ending depression, felt vulnerable and incapable of even forcing small talk. It’s also called isolation.

I was in a dilemma a few years back.  My husband’s company was having their Christmas party and he felt obligated to go.  I, of course resisted initially, and then thought I was being self-centered since backing out of several of his company parties previously.  These functions were of course met with forever the same excuse to hubby; my black-cloud feeling of the hopelessness and helplessness of depression.

The massive hands of depression kept its hands tightly around my neck for so many years; seeing only darkness, feeling only hollowness.  Earlier company events and functions would have demanded smiles, small talk and then my principal fear “where do you work” question. I had been unemployed for years, and the only people I socialized with were a small number I met while in hospital, and they never inquired.

My first sense of distress, as we drove into the parking lot of the building was, imagining seated all evening, probably at the same table, with the same people.  I was neither interested in their lives, and absolutely didn’t desire to reveal mine.  These were scary thoughts that just weren’t my character, yet I was robbed of myself, petrified someone would ask me a question, perhaps hubby leaving me alone at the table, humiliated about sounding irrational or dense.

The evening progressed quickly, the buffet and music were excellent, and the distressing questions were never asked.  A relief to say the least!  We stayed for about 4 hours, and hubby was proud of me for making the attempt, and I was proud of myself too.

However, I returned home to my cocoon, and regrettably regressed, becoming even more depressed following that outing.  In retrospect, I can’t really rationalize why I couldn’t cope, possibly depression feels like a death sentence and that’s where you feel you will permanently remain.

~~~Deb

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