Who was I kidding, reuniting again with my mother. I should have left things alone after no communication for three years, but no I had these grand ideas in May of this year of reconciling. How many times have I attempted to make it work before? Three, perhaps four? I’ve never truly had this woman’s tenderness or support for fifty some odd years, and it ‘aint ever going to happen.
Why can’t I get this through my thick skull and I allow myself to be disillusioned repeatedly? But, was craving for parents, namely a mother who truly loved me instead of criticizing and showing my brother the same affection that I deserved, too much to ask for? I don’t think it was.
You constantly told me to lose weight, criticized me too many times, making me feel worthless and sub-par. I lost weight when you saw me this May, I thought you’d be so proud of me and things would be different; guess it didn’t matter.
But mom, you surpassed yourself this time, with selfish words again, and presented the “toxic mother” that you are, sent in reply to an e-mail a few days ago.
You are aware of my struggles with depression on and off for many years and these past few months have been particularly difficult. I described to you how close I was to hospitalization at times, coupled with an eating disorder that is gaining control and of great concern. Undertaking this illness will take much effort and strength. I even mentioned that many women who have depression/mental illness or childhood sexual abuse in their past can lead to an eating disorder later in life. I explained that this is taking a toll on me, I have a lot on my plate, and that Tom (my brother) will have to be there for you when you have your surgery in the New Year.
I know you wrote “sorry” referring to my dilemma, but that was it.
Your next words were how disappointed you were that “I wouldn’t be there for you when you needed me most”, and Tom will have to help out all on his own now. “It is what it is, we will just have to live with it”, you said. Those were your last words. I really don’t seem to matter to you, do I, who cares what I’m going through?
My last words to you are; goodbye forever, and I really mean forever this time.
Not your daughter anymore,
See my previous article: Toxic Parents