Brown Bagging It (part 3) – Getting the Job & Landing on My Ass

In Part 1 & 2 – I spoke about Mental Illness in the Workplace, seeking employment, the job hunt and the job interview.  Now comes the really difficult part…..THE JOB.

I was so excited by this new venture; I could hardly sleep at night waiting for the first day.  That ‘first day of school’ feeling.  Luckily, the dress code was business casual otherwise I would have had to purchase an entire wardrobe.   Training would begin at 7:00 a.m., which practically killed me getting up that early in the morning, but I knew I had to get used to this.

The first day was a disaster, as it was essential to become accustomed to their internal computer system, and I sat in confusion having problems with straightforward tasks such as passwords and locating screens.  A panic situation ensued immediately, causing me to actually vomit in the washroom for the first three days due to this.  My thinking pattern was in a ‘frozen’ mode, with no new information able to funnel through.

On one day in particular, I was actually in tears in the washroom, so completely frustrated and angry at myself for not grasping anything.  Why did I continue?  I didn’t want to be a failure again, I suppose, and thought if I failed at this – where would I be then.  So I plodded on. 

The remaining two weeks met with more perplexity, and slowly my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-doubt tumbled downward even further.  I was the slowest and oldest in the class. But, I forged ahead, bull-headed, passed and began the position.

 The position itself was not too difficult, however, I encountered problems with their computer system practically every shift.  The Help Desk was there for Q & A, but after awhile they tired of my Q & A and became unfriendly and not very “helpful”. The position was in sales and customer service.  I was to learn a script to implement during a customer’s call – this was an impossible task.  My memory is impaired at best, never mind learning a script for sales on the phone.  So I basically read verbatim, and though it may have sounded as if I was reading from a sheet, it seemed to go over ok.  My stats weren’t wonderful; yet they weren’t the worst either.  That was another thing; I had to worry now about stats.  People were counting on me; managers, their managers and so forth, for stats. I had to produce good stats so my manager looked good.  The everyday routine felt so bizarre after years of illness at home and in hospital.

Enjoying the job to a degree, I was discontented with management and other factors played, and so, unfortunately after three months I discovered this job just wasn’t for me.

My stomach did flip-flops over this.  I was frightened to quit this position, yet I was unhappy there also.  The job did provide some experience into the working world, brushing up on computer skills (will always have trouble), day-to-day routine and learning how to mix with people again.  I could have given up at this point – but didn’t.

Now the time came for my search for greener pastures.

To be continued……….(see last part 4)

Your comment is important to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.